


B L O N D E

by awstenknight



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Bipolar Disorder, Denial of Feelings, Five Stages of Grief, Gay, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Abuse, References to Drugs, Self-Denial, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Soulmates, Suicide Attempt, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-02-04 11:06:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 34,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12769725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awstenknight/pseuds/awstenknight
Summary: Awsten's always wondered about the words on his wrist. "My sun still sets without you, like nothing ever happened."Geoff's wondered the same, with "so keep out of my room because I've seen enough of you today" grazing his.All it takes is a complicated relationship and an argument for the two to figure out that they were born for each other.;; soulmates au. editing -began: november 19th 2017finished: march 23rd, 2018





	1. IF YOU DIED, I'D HOPE YOU HAUNT ME

**Author's Note:**

> PREFACE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this book is being edited. disregard chapters that don't have an "EDITED" note. thanks !

FUTURE: NOVEMBER 19TH.

Geoff looked around for Awsten, wondering where the natural blue had gone. He wanders around the small apartment, trecking to the kitchen, through the dining room. He stood awkwardly in the middle of Awsten's living room. He grows anxious, subconsciously running his fingertips along the words permanently attached to his wrist. "So keep out of my room, because I've seen enough of you today," it said. He didn't understand what that meant, and he wondered if it had anything to do with the argument he had with Awsten not too long ago. He didn't have an indication to believe that Awsten was his soulmate, especially since he had spent the last six months constantly on-and-off with his feelings for the blue-haired man. He felt bad, but he wasn't sure what else to do.

"Awsten?" Geoff had called out as he continued to pace around the living room. He walked slowly down the hallway, heading towards the door that led to Awsten's bedroom.

"Go away," Awsten replied back. Awsten was sick of the feeling, sick of the way Geoff had him confused and wrapped around his finger. He was sick of having to ask Geoff twenty-one questions to get an answer that wasn't vague. He hated the feeling of unease he felt when he was around Geoff, especially since that feeling was accompanied by admiration and love. He loved Geoff, he really did. But he knew it wasn't healthy for him. This wasn't healthy for him, the way he felt and the way he was. Geoff was wrecking him and he didn't even know it.

"Awsten, please," Geoff begged, placing his hand softly on the doorknob, hoping it wasn't locked. "We need to talk this out. I know I said some things I shouldn't have, I'm so sorry."

"I don't want to talk to you right now," Awsten said angrily as he curled himself into a ball. He sat in the corner of his room, the one he deemed as his "sulking area." He wanted to be alone; he wanted to be lost in his thoughts. He wanted to be alone, but he was scared. He didn't know if he could trust himself.

"Please-" Geoff began, but Awsten cut him off.

"No! Just leave me alone!" Awsten said shakily, fear lacing the words that spilt from his mouth. He couldn't be alone; he knew he shouldn't be left alone, not with the thoughts that wove his mind together. Not right now.

"You know what, Awsten?" Geoff started, anger fortifying his voice. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but what happens next? I guess we'll never know."

"You'll never know until we're gone," Awsten hissed at him, shaking from the trending anxiety that he refuses to play along with.

"Awsten, I can't deal with you if you won't even bother to deal with yourself," Geoff spoke softer, though still fastened with anger and disappointment. "You can't just push me away when I'm trying to help you."

Geoff turned the knob slowly and entered Awsten's room. He looked over at the natural blue, and he wondered himself if he were more of a blue than the yellow Awsten sought him out to be.

Geoff was worried about Awsten, there's no doubt about that, yet he was so angry. He was fuming at what Awsten had said to him, though he knew in the back of his mind that it wasn't entirely Awsten's fault. Geoff didn't want to believe it. He let his emotions consume him this time - something he hadn't let happen in years - and he had had enough with Awsten's behavior. Geoff thought about how he shouldn't blame the entire problem on Awsten but... He didn't want to admit that he was part of the issue. He didn't want to admit that there were other parts of the issue - some that he caused. It was too much to handle.

"I said to go away!" Awsten screamed at Geoff, who stood in the doorframe, staring at the boy. Geoff didn't move, nor did he say anything. Neither did Awsten.

Awsten felt awful about the situation. He hated that he was feeling so hot and cold and he hated that Geoff was coming and going and everything was such a mess. Awsten felt a consistent deep blue. His chest hurt and felt heavy; he had trouble breathing and he knew he was panicking. You need to rid yourself of the situation, Awsten thought to himself, you need to get out of Geoff's life so you don't ruin it any more than you already have.

"Look, Awsten, I'm mad at you," Geoff said, "and you hurt me, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you."

"Yeah, I hurt you," Awsten scoffed, "and you shouldn't. Why would you? If I'm so bad!" He felt his lips trembling, his eyes watering and his throat tightening; he knew he was about to cry, to break out into heart-wrenching sobs. Awsten wouldn't let Geoff see that. Awsten didn't want to make Geoff feel any more pity for him than he already had. He felt bad enough as it is, that Geoff was still fuming in anger and yet still was worried about him.

"Awsten-"

"So keep out of my room because I think I've seen enough of you today!" Awsten burst out. He had tears rolling down his cheeks, but he ignored them.

Geoff felt a pinch on his wrist, but he ignored the feeling and left the room at Awsten's request. He closed the door softly and sat down, laying his back against it.

"I can't help you if you don't want it," Geoff said quietly. "My sun still sets without you, like nothing ever happened."

Awsten felt a stinging sensation on his wrist. He looked down and instantly knew that Geoff was meant to be his, whether Geoff wanted to admit it or not. Awsten broke into a silent sob, knowing that his future no longer existed. His future was now. The present is all he had left.

Geoff heard Awsten's sobs, but he did nothing about it. Geoff kept telling himself he needed to be strong, to let Awsten know that he couldn't keep doing this to him. Geoff buried his face in his hands, his hair falling into his eyes. He felt so terrible to make Awsten feel that way, but he thought it would be for the best. He hated that he wanted to say sorry, even though it wasn't his fault.

Awsten stumbled into the bathroom that was connected to his room. He felt he had no other choice than to go through with what fate had set up for him and Geoff. He opened the medicine cabinet, grabbing the pills that were supposed to help him with his bipolar disorder. He opened the bottle, pouring the lithium pills into his hands.

Geoff opened his eyes after managing to calm himself to his normal demeanour, the words on his wrist catching his eye. His wrist had been hurting for the last few minutes and he pondered why. He hadn't sprained it recently or anything.

"So keep out of my room because I've seen enough of you today," Geoff read quietly, his fingertips grazing the blackened words softly. The wheels were turning in his head, his eyes widening in fear as he realized what was wrong.

Geoff's eyes opened to pitch black as he shot up in his bed. He looked around, breathing heavily. 

"It was all a dream," he breathed.


	2. I'M DYING TO BE YOUR EVERYTHING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED

PRESENT: APRIL 28 

Awsten decided that today was the day. It was the day he was going to confess to Geoff, to tell him the things he's been hiding from him. Awsten had a bad feeling in his gut; he was threaded with anxiety at the thought of everything that could possibly go wrong. Awsten wasn't sure whether it would go well or not, for Geoff had been giving confusing signs. Maybe I was just reading him wrong, Awsten wondered. He shrugged the thought off and pushed it to the back of his mind. He decided he wouldn't worry about it until it was time. 

Awsten had planned to tell Geoff later that day at their after-school event, showcasing the different things the students at their college had made - whether it be art, music, creative writing, any form of the arts was there. Awsten had submitted one of the many songs he had written. He had a difficult time choosing one, but he had a good feeling on his favourite, Blonde. He had only written the lyrics, as once he realized when the projects were due by, there wouldn’t be enough time for him to demo it.

Awsten had stayed after their last class that day to help a few others set up. The two were underclassmen, only being in their sophomore year. Their mutual friend, Otto, was in his junior year, along with their other friends, Kellin and Justin. Otto’s newfound friends, Ciara and Grace, were in the freshman year. And then there was Chloe, who was in her junior year as well. Awsten liked Chloe, he really did, she was funny sometimes, but he couldn’t help but to think about the elephant in the room every time she was near: jealousy. 

Awsten shrugged off the thought of Chloe, sternly telling himself that today was going to be a good day - the best day - and that he wouldn't let his silly thoughts get the best of him. Not today, Awsten told himself, not today. 

Awsten took a deep breath before entering the auditorium - or at least that’s what the school called it - where the event would be held. He looked around to see there were already people there setting things up. He saw Ciara and Grace talking with Otto, Kellin and Justin were helping a boy with flaming red hair - who Awsten believed was named Jawn - set up TVs, and he saw a multitude of different people setting up the art gallery and people assembling the Mac lab on the other side of the room. What he didn't see was Geoff. He wondered where he was.

Awsten took out his phone and looked at the time. Three o'clock, Awsten thought, he should be here soon.

Awsten took a deep breath, ignoring the bad feeling pooling in his stomach, and walked further into the room. He approached Otto, Ciara and Grace, greeting them.

"Hey," Awsten said. Ciara waved at him while Grace and Otto returned the greeting. 

"Have you seen Geoff?" Otto asked. Awsten shook his head.

"I was just about to ask you," Awsten shrugged. "I haven't seen him all day, actually."

"He was with us earlier," Ciara said. "Grace and I got lunch with him around noon and we saw Chloe sitting by herself outside in the common room so we sat with her."

"Oh," Awsten mumbled. "He's still coming, right? It wouldn’t be that fun without him."

"I'm sure he is," Otto said hopefully, patting Awsten on the back. "It's only three, his last class just ended ten minutes ago."

"Yeah, yeah, you're right," Awsten said slowly, nodding. "What needs to be done here?"

"Right, yeah. Kellin, Justin and Jawn have the TVs taken care of, since they're the tech-y ones. Ciara and Grace are supposed to be cleaning the screens of the Macs but they're clearly distracted by my beauty," Otto began, being cut off by Ciara and Grace scoffing, "I'm going to start sweeping the floor, so you could probably help me with that. Or if you want, you could help out Steve and his friends over there with the art gallery- actually, no, they're almost finished doing that- wow that was fast-"

"Otto."

"Right, sorry, getting off track," he apologized, shaking his head. "Blake is setting up the Macs over there, but I think him and Travis have that handled. I guess you're just stuck sweeping with me, and so is Geoff, whenever he gets here."

"I'll go get a broom, then," Awsten said, nodding. He walked away from Ciara and Grace, Otto following him, into the custodian closet. He grabbed two brooms, handing one to Otto. Awsten decided that Geoff could grab his own since it was now three fifteen and he still had yet to show up. He probably grabbed something to eat, Awsten thought, or maybe he ran into someone. 

Otto noticed the subtle change in Awsten's presence, changing from blue to blonde. Otto wasn't sure whether it was his place to ask if he was alright or not, especially when he knew Awsten didn't like to talk about his problems to just anyone. Otto knew he was the most open to him and Geoff, deciding that this was fine territory. It was okay to ask. And so he did.

"Hey, Aws," Otto said, grabbing the natural blue's attention. Awsten looked up at him, waiting for him to continue. "Are you okay? You're looking a bit blonde."

“I feel it too," Awsten mumbled, shrugging as he continued to sweep the dirty floor. Awsten wondered if there was even a use in trying to clean. At this point, the floors were stained with the dirt and scrapes from the chairs. "I just, it's just Geoff, you know? And like, I don’t know. It’s dumb."

"I guess," Otto shrugged, understanding that Awsten wanted to drop the subject. Otto decided not to push. Awsten would tell him if he wanted to. “Just remember I’m always here if you want to talk about it."

Awsten sighed, checking the time on his phone again. Three twenty. Where is he?

As if on cue, the door to the building opens, revealing Geoff. And Chloe, Jack and Alex.

"Awsten!" Geoff said happily, walking over to him and Otto. Awsten waved and gave a small smile, fighting through his discomfort. Awsten shook off the feeling and gave Geoff a bigger, more welcoming smile. He felt butterflies in his stomach, the same way he did every time he was with him. Awsten loved Geoff, he knew that better than the back of his own hand. Otto knew it too, he could see it in Awsten's eyes, the way they lit up when Geoff was mentioned in conversation, the way he looked at Geoff with admiration and longing. Awsten was in too deep and Otto thought that anyone who couldn't see that was blind.

"Hi, Geoff," Awsten squeaked. "Most of the stuff is taken care of, according to Otto, so it's just cleaning that's really left to do."

"Cool!" Geoff said, smiling, happy as he always was. It seemed like there was never a sad moment in Geoff's life, even though Awsten knew better than to believe the mask Geoff kept on at every moment. Geoff’s “weekly outburst” (as Otto liked to call it) proved different. Still, Geoff was a sweetheart.

"Is there just sweeping?" Chloe asked. "Is there anything else that needs to be done, cleaning wise?"

"Ciara and Grace could probably use some help wiping down all the tables and computer screens," Awsten answered, nodding his head towards the opposite side of the room. "Otto said we could use one more sweeper. Geoff, would you like to help us? There's one more broom in the closet."

"Sure," Geoff said, heading to grab the last broom.

"We'll go help out Steve with the creative writing section," Jack said. "Texted saying that nobody's started on that yet since everyone is focusing on the art gallery and the music and all that jazz."

"Dude," Alex muttered, jabbing Jack with his elbow. Jack rolled his eyes.

"The pun was intended," Jack said, pulling Alex along with him as they made their way to Steve on the other side of the room. Chloe hadn't walked to help Ciara and Grace yet and it left Awsten wondering if it really was the best idea to confess his feelings to Geoff. 

Awsten began sweeping again, beginning to get lost in his thoughts. Is this the best idea? Should I really tell Geoff that I love him? He's... He's got to like Chloe, there's no way he likes me. Even if he really does act like it, he... Awsten, stop being so pessimistic! But maybe I do need to be pessimistic, maybe that's the only way to protect myself from an embarrassing rejection...

"Hey, Aws?" Geoff called out. "We were thinking of playing charades after we're done with cleaning, you know before the event starts at six. Jawn texted me saying he's gonna order a couple of pizzas and split the money with Steve. He said it's cool if we want some, we don't have to chip in or anything."

"That sounds cool," Awsten answered, pushing away the feelings of jealousy and envy. He knew that it was irrational to feel the way he did about Chloe, especially since she was such a fun girl with a good sense of humour, even if her obsession with The Big Bang Theory did get annoying at times, but he still couldn't feel anything but anger and self-hatred when she was in the same room as him and Geoff. Awsten knew it was dumb, but he still felt that Geoff cared more about her than he ever did him, even though Geoff had known Awsten for far longer. “Are we getting Papa John’s?"

“Yeah, since Jawn works there he gets a discount. Hey, you okay?" Geoff asked him, concern lacing his piercing blue eyes. Awsten looked up at him, trying his best to mask his emotions and push them away.

"Yeah, sorry," Awsten said, laughing quietly. “Just tired." 

"Did you sleep well last night?" Geoff asked. Awsten shook his head.

"Nah," Awsten chuckled. "I was too busy hiding under your porch because I love you."

Awsten had recognized what he said, and although he tried to mask the realization that was sewn into his face, Geoff saw right through the mask. 

"Tell me something new you haven't told before," Geoff laughed, hoping to ease the discomfort in Awsten's demeanour. Much to Geoff's dismay, the comment made Awsten much more uncomfortable. 

"Geoff, I..." Awsten trailed off, leaning the broom in his hands alongside the counter, hoping it wouldn't fall. "I need to tell you something."

"Okay," Geoff nodded, noticing the seriousness in Awsten's voice. He put down his broom as well and stood there, listening intently to what Awsten had to say. 

"And I just... I need to make sure that... I need you to promise me that you're not going to, like, make fun of me or anything," Awsten rambled, stumbling over his words. 

"You insult me, A.K.," Geoff laughed softly. Awsten rolled his eyes at the nickname he hated, but he ignored it for the time being. He felt that now was the time to tell Geoff, and there was no backing out of it now. Awsten took a deep breath in attempt to calm himself before continuing. “I wouldn’t do that."

"I... I, like, I..." Awsten stuttered, unable to say bluntly, like how he had imagined it as it played through his mind for hours and hours before. He imagined this to go much better, much smoother, much easier. But this was not the case, unfortunately. 

"It's okay, Aws," Geoff said, grabbing Awsten's hands with his own, rubbing his thumbs on the backs of them. "Take as much time as you need. Go on."

"I don't want to feel this way," Awsten spoke softly, feeling his throat beginning to tighten. He didn't want to cry. He couldn't cry in front of Geoff, even if he had done it before, because this time was different. "Because I know, I know, I really know you don't reciprocate, and I just I- I don't want to get hurt, I just, you know, with- with what happened with Zakk-"

"Calm down, Awsten," Geoff said quietly, pulling Awsten into a hug. Awsten wrapped his arms around Geoff quickly, silent tears making their way down the natural blue's cheeks and onto Geoff's shoulder. "I know you're scared, and I understand, I remember what happened and… I really hope you know I’d never treat you like that. Never, not even in a million years, no matter what."

"I k-know," Awsten stammered, focusing fully on trying to stop himself before his small tears evolve into heart-wrenching sobs. Geoff rubbed Awsten's back comfortingly, waiting to see if Awsten had finished speaking. “It just… It still scares me, y’know? I just… I don’t know."

"I… I get that. And, uh, about liking you back," Geoff began, unsure of how to proceed. "I do, I uh... I do."

"You do?" Awsten asked dumbfoundedly, taken aback by the opposite response of what he had prepared himself for. 

"Yeah," Geoff nodded. He pulled away from the embrace and looked at Awsten awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. Geoff didn't know what else to say.

"I thought you would've liked Chloe," Awsten stated, starting to spill the envious feelings he had bottled up since February when Chloe started becoming friends with not just Kellin, but Geoff, Awsten, Otto, and the rest of them as well. 

"I... I do like her, but, like, as a friend," Geoff said, unsure of how to word the sentences he wanted to say. "I don't want to pursue anything romantic with her."

"Oh," Awsten said. 

"Hey, are you two ready to play charades?" Jawn asked, popping out from around the corner. 

"In a moment," Geoff answered, shooing him off. Jawn held his hands in the hair in defeat, backing away as he turned around to walk back towards Ciara, Grace and Otto. Awsten had assumed that Chloe and her friends were there as well since she had been spending so much time with Geoff lately. Awsten had almost felt left out, but he refused to tell anyone. They'd just get mad at me again, he thought to himself, he wouldn't hear from them anymore again. Everything would slow down my twenty-four again. 

"Are you alright?" Geoff asked. Awsten nodded, even though he was unsure. He still felt unease with Chloe being so close to Geoff. Awsten felt envy; he felt hurt and his chest was heavy again. 

"I'm fine," Awsten said and walked past Geoff. "I just need some fresh air. Clear my head, y’know? Tell Jawn y’all can start charades without me.”

Geoff nodded, giving a soft smile before heading towards the other side of the room where the others were.

Awsten had walked out the building and walked down the hallway a little before sitting down on a bench. The warm Houston breeze threw his vibrant-blue bangs out of his face as he stared down at the ground. He was alone and it was silent with the exception of the sound of the wind that spring would bring. He was lost in his thoughts and he wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing. 

Awsten took a few moments to calm himself and collect himself before returning back to the building. Geoff came up to him, worried.

"Are you alright?" Geoff asked. "A real answer this time."

"I am now," Awsten answered, uncomfortable with telling Geoff the whole truth. He didn't want a repeat of what happened in February. He couldn't deal with another February. "I just needed a moment to myself. I got panicky over nothing, it's no big deal. Like I said, just had to clear my mind."

"If you say so," Geoff shrugged. "Come on, let's go play charades."


	3. I FALL IN LOVE WITH EVERYTHING THAT WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED

MAY 2ND

"I'm still having trouble believing that Geoff actually said he liked me back," Awsten said to Otto as they walked side by side out of their shared morning class. It was now around noon, signalling that the two boys had a couple of hours to relax and eat lunch before their shared afternoon class, Economics, at 2:30 P.M.

The events of the media event were still running fresh through Awsten's mind. He was in slight denial about it, sure that it was just a dream of his, that his mind was tricking him with a daydream rather than the reality. Otto had to consistently remind Awsten that it was indeed Geoff who reciprocated, not a figment of his imagination. Although it was annoying, Otto would do just about anything to make sure his best friend was okay, even if it meant he had to constantly deal with Awsten's annoying antics.

"For the thousandth time this morning, Awsten, Geoff doesn't like Chloe, he likes you," Otto groaned as they headed towards the Starbucks that was across the street from campus. "Chloe's just a good friend of Geoff's, that's all."

"Yeah, that's what you said about Grace and look at where you two are at now," Awsten mumbled, instantly feeling guilty about what he had just said. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

"It's fine," Otto said, not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing. "If anything, I feel bad for dating her straight after you two broke up."

"Don't start, Otto," Awsten laughed softly. "It wasn't straight after, it was two months later."

"Still," Otto shrugged and opened the door for Awsten. "Hey, I'll cover today."

"No way," Awsten said quickly. "You paid yesterday!"

"Do you even have your wallet on you?" Otto asked, raising his eyebrow. Awsten paused for a moment, patting his pockets. He cursed under his breath. Otto noticed and chuckled.

"Fuck you," Awsten said. Otto rolled his eyes. "I'll take a green tea frap, y'know, the usual."

"Are you sure you don't order that just because it matches your hair?" Otto laughed. The two boys were next in line.

"I ordered that when I didn't have blue hair!" Awsten whined. Otto laughed again. The two boys were now next and they headed up to the counter.

"Hey, Sarah!" Otto said cheerily. Awsten stood behind him awkwardly as he ordered their drinks, sandwiches and pastries.

"See you later, Otto and co," Sarah waved as Otto paid and left a tip for her. The two boys then walked over towards the other end of the cafe and sat at a table. Awsten looked out the window while Otto waited for their food.

Awsten studied the way the leaves on the trees were starting to return to their lush green color and how the nice spring breeze ruffled the branches ever so slightly, letting the atmosphere truly look alive. It felt alive. The simple aesthetics brought joy to him, but he still felt as if something was off. Maybe it was about Geoff. Maybe it was about Chloe, or maybe it was about Grace and Otto. Awsten wasn't sure, so he decided to shrug it off. If he couldn't figure out what it was, it was probably nothing.

"Eat up," Otto said as he dropped Awsten's drink and sandwich in front of him. Awsten grinned.

"Dude, I'm starving," Awsten shouted. "Thank you, Jesus, hallelujah!"

"Name's Otto, dude," Otto chuckled before diving into his sandwich. The two ate in a comfortable silence, as Otto was busy stuffing his face and Awsten was lost in his thoughts, staring out the window.

Awsten continued looking around at the cars that drove by, the people that were walking along the streets-

"Wait, is that Geoff?" Awsten blurted out, interupting his thoughts and gazing at the familiar brunette. Otto peered out the window, looking in the same direction as Awsten.

"Yeah, that's Geoff," Otto nodded.

"I thought he had music theory right now?" Awsten asked, wondering why Geoff wasn't in class. Geoff was never the one to skip and he had scolded Awsten a multitude of times back in high school when Awsten continually skipped French. "It doesn't matter if you have a B already," Geoff had said. "Go get an A."

"He used to," Otto answered. "He dropped it at the beginning of the semester."

"Oh," Awsten said, taking a sip of his aqua drink. "Do you think he's getting lunch with Chloe again?"

"Maybe, but he's probably meeting up with Ciara and Grace," Otto said as he finished his sandwich. "You guys just confessed mutual feelings, so I mean-"

"Yeah, exactly, that's the thing," Awsten said, cutting Otto off. "We just started dating. Shouldn't we be in the "I'm never leaving your side because I'm totally in love you even though it's been one-week" phase?"

“Are you guys dating? I don’t recall either one of you asking the other out. Besides, not all relationships follow clichés," Otto shrugged. "Grace and I didn't."

"It's been two years and you two still fuck all the time and then sneak in pizza into the movie theatre," Awsten stated.

"It's nice that Steve works at the movie theatre and that Jawn works at Papa John's," Otto said. "But that's not the point. Just chill, Aws. When are you gonna make a move, Loverboy?"

“I already did," Awsten said. "I asked him if he wanted to see Doctor Strange this weekend and he said sure. Oh, man, no wonder why he doesn't want to be around me, I'm such a clingy bitch."

"Dude, chill," Otto chuckled. “You just asked him to see a movie and he agreed. That’s not clingy, that’s shit friends do. Besides, Geoff’s a sweetheart, he'll deal."

"Thanks, that totally makes me feel better," Awsten huffed, rolling his eyes. He knew that Otto was right, though. He was being overdramatic and he knew that Geoff wasn't the clingy type of person. Awsten understood, there were times where he was craving a getaway from the smooth talk, to just escape to his room and be alone. Geoff had told him once that even though his days are great, they come with their share of grey and sometimes by nightfall he's left with nothing but a sour taste.

Sometimes Awsten felt as if Geoff spoke in such a beautiful way, like he was a walking, living, breathing poetry book. Geoff's words were powerful and it left Awsten powerless. Awsten could listen to Geoff talk all day and all night if Geoff would let him. The colloquy he had with him, it left him in the softest part of his mind and it left him losing track of time. He'd stay on the phone for hours on end with him, talking about the stupidest of things, and it'd only feel like it were five minutes.

"You okay?" Otto said, concern lacing his brown eyes. Awsten looked up at Otto, breaking away from his thoughts about Geoff. Boy, how he did miss Geoff, even though he had hung out with him two days ago at the media event. All that ran through the natural blue's head was Geoff.

"Yeah, sorry," Awsten said, taking the final bite of his sandwich. "Lost in my though- Hey, where'd Geoff go?"

"Like I said, probably was meeting up with Ciara and Grace," Otto said and rolled his eyes as he took the final sips of his chai tea latte. "I know you're in your own head again. Do you need a reality check?"

"No, I'll just go to Sarah for that," Awsten laughed. "You know, for being Geoff's sister, she's the complete opposite."

"Not necessarily, she's just much more blunt than Geoff is," Otto said. "With the exception of Geoff's weekly outburst."

"Dude, I wonder how he keeps that shit bottled for so long," Awsten said exasperatedly, tossing his hands up for emphasis. "Like, if I got a problem, I'm gonna bitch about it right then and there!"

"You've also got problems," Otto stated. Awsten rolled his eyes.

"Not everybody knows that," Awsten said. "People think it's just how I am. I'm totally a diva, completely egotistical; underneath all this blue exterior I'm a shithead."

"Have you been taking your pills?" Otto asked. Awsten paused, taken aback by the question. He had been prescribed lithium pills back in junior year of high school, shortly after he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. His therapist said he was high functioning, though he believed she was wrong. Awsten couldn't go a day without acting dangerously impulsive during his manic episodes, nor could he go a day without wanting to kill himself during his depressive ones. Awsten still couldn't bear to remember the day in November five years ago when his ex-boyfriend had driven him to such ends that he tried to kill himself. He still remembered the look on his mother's face when she found him laying in the bathtub, half-awake and covered in blood. He had never felt so guilty in his life.

"Of course," Awsten answered a few moments later, earning a look of suspicion from Otto, who dropped the subject. Awsten mentally sighed in relief. Awsten hated how the pills made him feel absolutely nothing; he felt numb whenever he took the damn things. Awsten wanted to feel, he needed to feel. They took away his creativity and the charisma he held. Awsten didn't think there was anything wrong with taking control with his life. He had been stable for the last couple of weeks. He didn't want to kill himself and he wasn't spending all of his (and his parent's and friend's) money and going into debt. He was fine.

"Alright," Otto mumbled, turning around to throw his empty drink and sandwich wrapper into the trash behind him. "Oh, hey Geoff!"

Awsten perked up, his dual-toned eyes meeting the blue-grey eyes that belonged to the brunette he had been head-over-heels for since freshman year of high school.

"Hey, guys," Geoff smiled, waving at the two as the door closed behind him. "I thought I saw a natural blue here."

"You're never letting me live down that song I wrote, are you?" Awsten asked and rolled his eyes. He heard the joke so often it didn't bother him much anymore. It became familiar and it was now just another way to refer to him. A noun.

"Nope," Otto said. Geoff pulled over a chair and sat down at the table. "Aren't you hungry?"

"Yeah, but I'm going to wait until the line dies down a bit. It's only one-fifteen, so I have time before Economics," Geoff answered.

"Here, have my other sandwich," Awsten said, sliding the wrapped spinach and roasted tomato his way. Geoff shook his head.

"No, I'm not taking your food from you," Geoff said. "You need to eat."

"I already ate, numbskull," Awsten rolled his eyes. "You need to eat."

"Whatever," Geoff laughed. "Fine, I'll take your sandwich."

Geoff reached over and took the sandwich from Awsten, the sleeve of his jacket sliding down. Awsten noticed the black tattooed words on Geoff's wrist and he wondered if he too had his soulmate's words written there. He knew that Otto had some, but it was hard to decrypt. He hoped Otto wouldn't find out who his soulmate was in a terrible way.

"You have your soulmate's words on your wrist, too?" Awsten asked Geoff timidly. He had hoped he wasn't crossing a line.

"Yeah," Geoff nodded. Awsten hadn't noticed them before, as Geoff always had worn long sleeves or a multitude of bracelets to cover the words. It wasn't that Geoff was ashamed of the words, he just simply wanted to avoid the conversation about them, especially since the words were so confusing to him. 

"What do yours say?" Awsten asked quietly. "Mine makes me sad. It sounds like that person doesn't want anything to do with me."

"So keep out of my room because I think I've seen enough of you today," Geoff reads, holding out his wrist for both Otto and Awsten to see. Awsten bites his lip, beginning to think of the scenarios that could take place for that to be said. "What about yours?"

"Mine says 'my sun still sets without you, like nothing ever happened,' and that sounds terrible," Awsten said, frowning. "It's like they want nothing to do with me. Like I didn't matter."

"You matter to me," Geoff said, beginning to wonder if he was Awsten's soulmate and vice versa. There was no way he'd ever say that to the natural blue. He loved him, he cared so much about him, how could he even think to say that to him? How could he ever feel mad enough to be the one to hurt him? 

"Do you have any, Otto?" Geoff asked, pulling himself out of his thoughts. Otto nodded.

"They're not that interesting," Otto said and pulled the sleeve up on his long-sleeve My Chemical Romance crewneck. "It says 'we have the biggest sparkling eyes.'"

"That's kind of cute," Awsten said. "Does Grace have a sentence?"

"Yeah," Otto answered. "Hers is the same."

"So she's gotta be your soulmate," Geoff stated. Otto shrugged.

"Probably," he said. Otto didn't think about it much, as he hated the thought of knowing the last words of his soulmate's, especially since he would have no confirmation on who it was until he heard that sentence. He had grown so discomforted by it, he had asked Grace specifically to never state those words in that order, especially if they were talking at the same time. Otto loved Grace, but he was scared to lose her. He was even more scared that it was still possible that she wasn't his kindred spirit. 

The three boys dropped the subject, noticing Otto's discomfort. Awsten had felt bad about asking in the first place about Geoff's words. He had begun to think the same thoughts as Geoff. Were they soulmates? Were they truly meant to be? Would it even be worth it to find out, especially with how rough the last words they have on their wrists are?

"I'm sorry for bringing it up," Awsten said, pulling each of the three out of their thoughts. "I didn't mean to make everyone sad, I just, I was just curious."

"You didn't make everyone sad, Aws," Geoff said. He put his hand on top of Awsten's and began to rub comforting circles with his thumb on the back. Awsten gave a short, sad smile, not believing a word Geoff had said. "It's not your fault, really, you're okay. Everything's okay, Aws."

"Okay," Awsten said, nodding slowly. He still didn't believe it was fine, but he knew that he needed to keep himself stable. He couldn't let himself slip up, or Otto'd know that he wasn't taking his pills. Geoff'd know too. Awsten was worried they'd find out because he couldn't go back to being numb again. He wanted to feel; he needed to feel. He couldn't go back to being numb. He couldn't. 

"Come on, it's almost time for Economics," Geoff said, lacing his fingers with Awsten's. Geoff stood up and gestured for Awsten to as well. "Let's go for a walk?"

"Yeah," Awsten breathed. He turned to Otto. "We'll meet you there?"

"Sure," Otto said, shooing the lovebirds off as he stood up as well. "Grace just texted me asking to hit her up anyway, so I'll see you at our usual table."

"See you, Otto," Awsten waved with his free hand while Geoff dragged the boys out into the chilly spring air. Awsten took a deep breath and looked over at Geoff and smiled. 

"Ready to go?" Geoff asked. Awsten nodded, smiling.


	4. I WANT YOU TO NEED ME LIKE I NEED YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED

MAY 6TH

"Today's the day," Awsten said to himself as he looked in the mirror for what seemed to be the thousandth time within the last few hours. He was brewing with anxiety and excitement, as his date with Geoff was in just twenty minutes. He stared at himself, studying the multicolored striped sweater that he had wore when he wrote his song, Blonde, the black jeans that hugged his skinny legs tightly, and the black Doc Martens that held his feet. He grabbed a pastel necklace with feet on it from his desk and put it around his neck, swinging it around and adjusting it until it was comfortable. He stared at a blue flower crown and pondered if he should wear it or not. He decided against it, believing that he had enough going on with his outfit. 

The showing that Awsten and Geoff had decided on was at 7:30 P.M. and it was currently 6:45 P.M. Awsten had just finished eating dinner, having ramen for yet another night in a row, and figured he would leave his dorm at 7:00 P.M. to meet Geoff, where they would walk to the movie theatre together. 

Awsten looked at himself in the mirror once more. Does my hair look okay? Is it blue enough? he thought. 

"Shit," he muttered to himself, realizing that it was nearing 7:00 P.M. and his hair wasn't as blue as he had hoped it would be. He had bleached and toned his hair yesterday and dyed it today, but he had mistakenly added too much conditioner to the dye, causing his hair to become a blue that was more pastel than planned. He didn't have time to redye it. He would have to deal with it.

Awsten grabbed his phone off of his bed and shoved it in his front pocket; he grabbed his keys from the desk and hooked them onto his belt loop and he left his room once he said goodbye to Otto, who wished him luck on his “hang-out." Awsten was glad that his roommate was Otto and not someone who he didn't know. 

Awsten hurried across the hall and down the stairs, as Geoff had told him to meet him in front of his dorm building. Awsten sometimes felt envious that Geoff lived close enough to the campus that he didn't have to live in the dorms but at the same time he was happy that Geoff didn't have to deal with the annoyance and slight inconvenience of it. He shook off the thought, deciding that right now wasn't the time for conflicting thoughts. Right now was the time to enjoy time with Geoff, he told himself. Treat it like you and Geoff are the only people in the world. 

"Hey, Aws!" Geoff said happily, waving as Awsten approached him. He smiled widely at the natural blue and held his arms out and pulled him into an embrace.

"Hey, Geoff," Awsten said and smiled as well. They pulled apart and Geoff grabbed Awsten's hand, lacing his fingers with his own. They began their walk down to the movie theatre that was across the street. 

They walked in a comfortable silence. Awsten was enjoying the subtle breeze and the way that his hands fit perfectly with Geoff's. He looked over at the brunette and basked in his appearance. He was happy to be here and he was happy that Geoff was with him. For once, he felt invincible, and he assumed it wasn't just another manic episode coming on. He felt happy and felt like he was on top of the world. He was at peace and he was happy and that's all that mattered to him. Geoff looked over at Awsten and smiled, seeing the genuine smile on the natural blue's face. 

"I'm glad you came," Geoff said.

"Of course," Awsten answered. "I'd never dream of skipping out on the opportunity to spend time with you."

"Neither would I," Geoff replied. They continued their trek into the movie theatre, greeting Steve, who was manning the ticket booth for the night.

"Hey, guys!" Steve said. "Two tickets for Doctor Strange, right?"

"Yep," Awsten nodded. "The 7:00 P.M. showing."

"Here you go," Steve said. Awsten traded the money for the tickets. "Have fun, the theatre's mostly empty. But not too much fun!"

"Gross, Steve," Geoff laughed. Awsten cringed at the thought. After what had happened with Zakk, he wasn't sure he'd ever feel comfortable with letting people touch him ever again. Especially in such intimate ways, he didn't want anybody to see him. He didn't want to get close to anybody; he hated himself for letting himself get so attached to Geoff, but he kept telling himself that it was okay. Geoff wouldn't hurt him. Geoff wouldn't do anything that Zakk did; Geoff wasn't Zakk. 

Awsten pushed away the thoughts of Zakk, not wanting to remember anything more about the tragic event. Today was going to be a good day, damn it, and so far it had. Awsten wasn't about to let something that happened five years ago take over and destroy him again. He wouldn't let it wreck him, especially not today. Not right now. Right now, it was time to focus on Geoff. And that's what Awsten did. 

"Want to go sit there? In the middle of Row F?" Awsten asked. Geoff nodded.

"That looks like a good spot," Geoff said in agreement. Awsten smiled softly as they quickly hopped up the steps and sat down in the seats they came to a silent consensus on. The previews were playing, as it was only around 7:20 P.M. Awsten looked over at Geoff, seeing a big genuine smile. He was happy that Geoff was happy.

Geoff looked over at Awsten and smiled wider at the natural blue. He was swooning over him. He wasn't sure how he was so lucky, to have him be his. They looked at each other in awe before turning to face the screen as Doctor Strange began.

-x-

The two boys sat in their seats, watching as the credits rolled. They were waiting to see if there was an end-scene. Geoff looked over at Awsten and smiled.

"Hey, you hungry?" Geoff asked him. Awsten nodded immediately, his stomaching growling as if it were on cue.

"Hell yeah," Awsten said. "I feel like I could eat a whole cow."

"I don't think there are any places nearby that have that on the menu," Geoff laughed. Awsten rolled his eyes but cracked a smile nonetheless. They both turned their attention back to the screen, watching the short end-scene play. They got up once it was over and left the theatre, saying goodbye to Steve on their way out. 

Awsten shrugged away the bad thoughts that kept trying to make their way into his mind, telling himself that tonight wasn't the night to get into a depressive episode. It wasn't the night to be sad. He was happy, he was so damn elated, especially since he was with Geoff. He liked being here with Geoff and he was content. He told himself he wouldn't let Zakk ruin that. Not today. 

“Geoff!! Ice cream!" Awsten shrieked happily, pointing over towards the small shop. 

"It looks like it's closing," Geoff said.

"Well, let's go check," Awsten said, grabbing Geoff's hand and dragging him to the small building. The door was locked, but a man inside came over and opened the door for them. 

"I'm sorry about him," Geoff said, sending a playful glare to the natural blue. "Are you guys closed?"

"It's fine, no worries!" the man laughed, gesturing for them to come inside. "It's near closing time, but please, please, come in!"

"Are you sure? We can go somewhere else," Geoff said. The man shook his head and laughed again.

"It's really no problem," he said. "Pick whatever flavor you like, my daughter will scoop it for you."

The two boys walked around the store, looking at the multitude of flavors, toppings and cones to choose from. 

"I'll take a superman on a waffle cone," Geoff told the girl, who smiled at him and began scooping the ice cream. Awsten still hadn't decided on a flavor and Geoff kept pestering to choose one so the man could close up shop. It was already five past ten o'clock. 

"I'll, uh," Awsten stammered, trying to decide between two flavors. Geoff placed his hand softly on his shoulder, waiting for him to finally pick something. "I'll have cookies and cream on a waffle cone."

"Coming right up," the girl said. Geoff already had his ice cream and was ignoring it, aside from licking it where it was melting. 

The girl handed Awsten a large cone with ice cream piled high on top of it. Awsten knew he wouldn't be able to finish it. 

Geoff had paid, to Awsten's dismay, and they sat on a bench that had a nice view of the street. They sat in a comfortable silence, eating the ice cream. Or, well, Geoff was eating the ice cream. Awsten hadn't done much aside from lick his every couple of moments. Geoff's was nearly gone by the time they had both decided to stand up and start walking home. Geoff had decided he would walk Awsten back the dorms before going home, even though Awsten urged him to go home. 

"It's cold out and I want you to get home safe," Awsten said to Geoff, who rolled his eyes and continued to walk with him. 

"You're the one I'm worried about, Aws," Geoff said. "Otto told me earlier that he asked you if you've been taking your pills."

"Oh, yeah, I have," Awsten mumbled, licking more of his ice cream. He had finally hit the cone, though Geoff's was long gone. “Don’t worry 'bout it."

"Are you sure?" Geoff asked worryingly. Awsten nodded and took a bite of the cone as an excuse not to talk. "I'm just worried about you, you know. You've been acting a little off lately and it's worrying me, especially since we just passed the anniversary with Zakk-"

"I'm fine!" Awsten burst out angrily. Geoff was startled and looked upset. Awsten's face dropped immediately, feeling guilty. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell, I just... I don't like to talk about Zakk."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry," Geoff apologized. "I shouldn't have brought him up. We were having a good time and I kind of just ruined it now."

"No, no!" Awsten said, shaking his head. "No, Geoff, I'm still having a good time."

"Still, I'm sorry for bringing him up," Geoff said sadly. 

"Just walk me home, idiot," Awsten laughed, finishing his ice cream cone. Geoff rolled his eyes and joined in on the laughter, grabbing Awsten's hand and lacing his fingers with the natural blue's. 

"Of course," Geoff smiled.


	5. YOU RIP ME TO SHREDS, SO TEAR INTO ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED

MAY 23RD

It had now been a few weeks after Awsten and Geoff's movie hang-out. They had not hung out since and Geoff had declined Awsten's offer to see another movie the following Saturday, May 13th. Otto had told Awsten that Geoff likely had something else going on that day and that it wasn't that he didn't want to hang out with Geoff, he just couldn't. Awsten didn't believe Otto, even though he knew it was a rational reason. 

Awsten was currently asleep, as he had no morning classes that day, though his snoring and occasional sleep talking (which mainly consisted of "orange juice," "Geoff," and "take me to H.E.B.,") was beginning to get on Otto's nerves. Although Otto didn't have any morning classes (or any classes at all) that day either, he was awake and out of bed by eight o'clock. He had even taken his time going to the dorm's common room to buy a few chocolate bars for breakfast, but by the time he got back Awsten was still sound asleep. He wondered what time the natural blue went to bed, especially since Awsten didn’t get a good night’s sleep often. Otto knew he shouldn't wake him up; he wouldn't wake him up. He needed the sleep, even if he was a noisy and annoying. 

"Geoff!" Awsten shouted in his sleep. "Orange..."

Otto snickered, assuming that Awsten was having a dream about Geoff buying him H.E.B.'s orange juice. If Awsten was so angry in his dream, Geoff must've bought him the wrong orange juice. That would explain why Awsten had said "battery acid shit" a few hours prior. 

Otto heard a knock on the door and he wondered who would be visiting their dorm. Neither he nor Awsten had made many friends that lived on campus or at least ones that would be awake before noon if they didn't have to. He opened up the door, seeing Geoff.

"Hey, Geoff," Otto greeted quietly. "Awsten's still asleep, but you can come in if you want."

"He is?" Geoff asked, walking in as Otto moved away and gestured him to enter. Otto closed the door and sat down on his bed, looking over at Awsten, who was currently laying on his stomach with the side of his face buried in the pillow. He was drooling.

"Yeah," Otto said, chuckling. "He's been sleep talking about you and H.E.B. orange juice the past two hours."

"That's cute," Geoff smiled, walking closer to Awsten. He sat down gently on the end of Awsten's bed and looked at him lovingly. "He's so pure."

"Pure?" Otto gawked. "Have you not met him? He's anything but pure. I mean, have you not heard what comes out of that boy's mouth?"

"Whatever," Geoff laughed. "He's being pure right now so leave him alone."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," Otto said, putting his hands up in surrender. "I'm gonna go buy some more chocolate. You want anything?"

"No, I'm good," Geoff answered, looking at Awsten once more. "Thank you, though."

"A'ight," Otto said, grabbing his keys and opening the door. "I'll be back in a few. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Damn, I really wanted to sing Wonderwall in Portland today," Geoff said sarcastically. Otto rolled his eyes and left the room, closing the door quietly. 

"Geoff..." Awsten mumbled in his sleep. The side of the pillow was drenched in drool at this point and Geoff thought it was the cutest thing ever. He stood up from Awsten's bed, not wanting to disturb him, and sat back down on the desk chair. 

Geoff had originally planned to ask Awsten if he wanted to go get breakfast with him, but he'd much rather Awsten get some sleep. There'd be times where Awsten would go weeks and weeks with little to no sleep each night; it worried Geoff and Otto beyond belief, leaving the two to be overly stressed while Awsten continued to insist that it wasn't an issue and that it was normal and he'd live. Geoff and Otto wanted to argue with Awsten's stance on the issue, but they knew it was no use, especially since Awsten would argue his point until he was blue in the face.

Geoff's phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out, looking at the notification. He figured that it wouldn't be rude to look at it since Awsten was still soundly asleep. It was a text from Chloe.

chloebear: hey buttnard, have you seen the big bang theory yet?

geoffyboi: nope

chloebear: uH whattya meANN by that???

geoffyboi: do you really think i have time for that

chloebear: make time for it

geoffyboi: the big bang theory is not that important

chloebear: wHO ARE YOU

geoffyboi: geoff

chloebear: stfu thats not what i mean numbnuts

geoffyboi: you asked

geoffyboi: besides i have more important stuff in my life to make time for

chloebear: like me?

geoffyboi: and awsten

geoffyboi: and my friends

chloebear: yeah but,,, you like me more than them don't you?

geoffyboi: i dont like to pick favorites

chloebear: so you have a favorite

geoffyboi: no

chloebear: is it me

geoffyboi: i dont have favorites

chloebear: so,,,, u dont even kno if u like awsieboi?

geoffyboi: don't call him that 

geoffyboi: only i can call him cute nicknames

chloebear: but u call me cute nicknames too

geoffyboi: i call all my friends cute nicknames 

geoffyboi: sometimes

chloebear: ur name for me in ur phone is literally chloebear, geoffyboi

geoffyboi: so???? awsten's is “blueberry"!

chloebear: thats not even cute lmao

geoffyboi: shut up yes it is

geoffyboi: i gotta go now, awsten's stirring in his sleep and he's so cute 

chloebear: whatever **loverboi** lol just remember the rest of us when he breaks your heart

geoffyboi: funny.

read: 11:27 a.m.

Geoff shoved the phone back into his pocket, annoyed with Chloe. She'd never been so jealous before and he was confused why. They were just friends, and that's all they'd ever be. Geoff kind of liked her, sure, but he didn't want to date her. He liked Awsten and not her. She’d have to deal with that.

Otto opened the door to the dorm and closed it behind him, holding four Hersey's chocolate bars in his hand. He had a fifth one held by the wrapper in-between his teeth. 

"You're gonna share, right?" Geoff chuckled quietly as Otto sat down on his bed across from Geoff. Otto rolled his eyes and handed one of the king-size bars to the brunette, who grinned happily.

“Thought you said you didn’t want anything," Otto muttered before unwrapping one of the bars and taking a big bite out of it. “You’re just lucky you’re my friend."

"Battery acid shit," Awsten mumbled, stirring around in his sleep. Geoff and Otto turned to look at the blue-haired boy. He had a look of discomfort on his face and he was continually tossing and turning. Otto had figured Awsten was going to wake up any moment now, though Geoff was concerned. He knew it must've just been a dream about orange juice, but if Awsten was spurring out words about battery acid, it could've been a nightmare. Any orange juice that wasn't from H.E.B. or Whole Foods was a nightmare to Awsten.

"He'll be fine, Geoff," Otto said calmly, noticing the worry lacing Geoff's features. Geoff nodded slowly, taking another small bite of the chocolate bar. 

"Geoff!" Awsten called out, sitting up quickly on the bed, fully awake. He was startled and slightly sweaty and Geoff looked at him in complete fear and worry. The brunette moved quickly off the desk chair and went to the natural blue, wrapping his arms around him in a comforting embrace. Awsten was confused but noticed it was Geoff quickly and hugged him back. 

"Deep breath in, deep breath out," Geoff whispered to Awsten, who was struggling to catch his breath from the startling wakeup. 

"S-Sorry," Awsten breathed, finally catching his breath and beginning to calm down. 

"It's okay," Geoff said quietly, rubbing his back comfortingly. 

"W-Wait, Geoff? What're you doing here?" Awsten asked timidly, stumbling over his words. The natural blue looked over at him in confusion, wondering why he had come to his dorm room and why he was eating one of Otto's chocolate bars (which were all gone by this point, aside from the wrapper's and Geoff's half-eaten Hersey). 

"I came to ask you to breakfast but you were sleeping," Geoff answered, smiling softly. "And I know you needed it so I didn't wake you."

"Geoff, you should've woken me up," Awsten signed, feeling bad for making the brunette wait. "It would've been fine."

"You needed the sleep, Awsie," Geoff cooed, letting Awsten rest his head in the crook of his neck. Geoff kissed the natural blue's head softly. "Don't worry about it, okay?"

"I will worry about it," Awsten said, pulling away from Geoff.

"Awsten, let it go," Otto said, grabbing his attention. Awsten hadn't realized that Otto was in the room until then, though he tells himself he should've known considering Otto lived here too.

"Fine," Awsten huffed, crossing his arms.

"What did you dream about?" Geoff asked quietly, hoping to not cross any boundaries. Awsten was the most open with Geoff, but even the brunette would run into a multitude of walls in the maze that was Awsten's mind. Geoff never liked to push Awsten but sometimes what Awsten made-out to be walls weren't really walls, just transparent barricades that Geoff had to weave around. He hated the fact that it was usually very hard to tell which was what, especially since Awsten would get upset when Geoff didn't try to weave around a barricade or if Geoff tried to break down a wall. Geoff had to pick and choose his battles, especially since some arguments with Awsten just weren't worth having. The natural blue had a tendency to make emotional conversations much more difficult and exhausting than they needed to be, but Geoff wasn't going to let that stop him from being with Awsten.

"I was hanging out with you," Awsten said quietly. "After we had dinner or something, we went to H-E-B and you bought me a fuckton of orange juice - at least five jugs of it - and then I dropped them."

"Oh," Geoff said.

“And the bottles fucking broke," Awsten huffed.

"Is that all?" Otto asked. “You’re upset over spilt orange juice?"

“Yes," Awsten responded. Otto rolled his eyes, muttering about how Awsten’s love for H-E-B’s orange juice was on a ridiculous level. Geoff chuckled, wondering why Awsten was so picky over orange juice. 

Geoff held Awsten in his arms, waiting until Awsten was ready to go get breakfast, even though it'd be more of an early lunch than breakfast by that time. Otto had said he was going to study in the library for a test he had in one of his later classes, but both of the boys knew he was lying so he could make an escape and leave the two by themselves.

"Hey, Aws?" Geoff said quietly, breaking the silence. 

"Mmm?" he hummed, acknowledging Geoff. He stayed with his head laying on Geoff's shoulder. He didn't want to move from his arms as for once, he felt at peace. 

"Are you hungry?" Geoff asked the natural blue, pulling away from him. Awsten looked up at him, his eyes widening.

"Oh, shit! How long have you been waiting for my ass? Oh god, you're starving, aren't you? Shit, I'm so sorry," Awsten blurted quickly, tossing the blankets off of him and getting off the bed. He quickly ran to the dresser Otto and him shared and pulled out a pair of black jeans, shimmying into them, for he slept only in his boxers and occasionally a t-shirt. He ruffled through the drawer some more before pulling out one of his favorite sweaters. It was lime green and covered in various newspaper clippings. 

"Hey, slow down, jellybean," Geoff said, standing up. He chuckled at how intense Awsten was being. 

"That's my thing," Awsten muttered, slinging his rainbow foot token necklace around his neck and sliding his silver band onto his right hand's ring finger. He never took it off but it had slide off in his sleep. He'd never admit it, but the ring was a bit bigger than his fingers. 

"You're gonna hurt yourself. Please chill," Geoff said. "And, also, it's not your thing, you've said it, like, once."

"It's my thing," Awsten said adamantly as he shoved his phone into his front pocket and grabbed his wallet. Geoff grabbed the wallet from his hands and put it back onto the desk.

"It's on me, today," he said. Awsten shook his head.

"No way," the natural blue persisted. "I'll pay."

"No," Geoff said. "You paid for the movie, so I'll pay for breakfast, well, brunch, now."

"You paid for the ice cream though!" Awsten argued. Geoff rolled his eyes.

"You paid like, at least thirty bucks that night and I paid like, three," Geoff said. "I'm paying for brunch and that's final."

"Fine," Awsten grunted. "Asshole."

"I don't have to take you out to eat," Geoff said. Awsten gasped.

"No, no, you're taking me out," Awsten said quickly, throwing the wallet, that he had grabbed once more, out of his hands. "I'll play nice."

"Uh huh," Geoff murmured. He grabbed Awsten's hands, lacing his fingers with the boy's. "Let's go."

Awsten nodded, grabbing his set of keys off of the desk as Geoff dragged him out of the dorm room. Awsten prayed that Otto had his keys as he locked the door behind him. 

"Where do you want to eat?" Geoff asked Awsten as he hooked his keys onto his belt loop. He shrugged.

"Idunno, you?" 

"It's my treat, so you pick," Geoff said.

"Oh, hell, Geoff, if you're paying, you're gonna fucking pick where we're going," Awsten said defiantly. Geoff rolled his eyes.

"Fine," Geoff huffed, realizing this was a losing argument and that there'd be no use in trying to change Awsten's mind. "But it's gonna be a surprise then."

"Fine," Awsten mimicked, earning a groan from the brunette. 

Awsten followed Geoff to his rusty red pickup-truck, which was approaching it's tenth birthday. Geoff had gotten it as a birthday present when he turned sixteen but it was an older model, which didn't bother him in the slightest. Though, it was now starting to show it's age. 

The two boys quickly got into the truck, Geoff in the driver's seat and Awsten in the passenger's. Geoff started the ignition and began to back up. 

"So I take it that we're going somewhere that's far enough to not walk," Awsten stated. Geoff shrugged.

"You can think whatever you like," Geoff said. Awsten rolled his eyes, annoyed with Geoff's decision to be mysterious. 

"Maybe I should've picked where to eat," Awsten groaned, throwing his head back onto the seat and putting his palms to his face. 

"Too late," Geoff laughed as he drove down the busy streets of Houston. "You're welcome to pick the music if that'll make you feel better."

"Absolutely!" Awsten beamed, grinning widely. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and plugs in the aux cord. He scrolls down a bit before tapping on a song. 

"What's this?" Geoff asked, being unfamiliar with the strums of guitar and the soft beats in the background. "Wait, is this you?"

"Yeah, I finally got around to demoing a couple of songs I had written," Awsten said excitedly. "You're the first person I've shown."

"I'm honored," Geoff smiled. "What's this one called?"

"Silver," Awsten answered. "I kind of wrote it about you."

"Did you?" Geoff blushed. "I really like it."

"Hey, I wanna show you another before we get to wherever we're going," Awsten said, tapping on another song before Silver could finish playing. 

"It's gonna be awhile," Geoff admitted. "We're going to this niche diner on the outskirts of Houston, but it's so worth it. We had them all over California."

"Told you I'd get you to tell me," Awsten grinned. 

"You didn't say that," Geoff said. 

"I thought it."

"That doesn't count!"

"Whatever!" Awsten laughed. "This one's called I Was Hiding Under Your Porch Because I Love You."

"Did I inspire this one too?" Geoff asked, making a right turn. 

"Nope, Aaron Carter did," Awsten laughed. "Obviously, you did, dumbass."

"We're about halfway there," Geoff said. "You could probably get away with showing me like two more or something, depends if you actually let me listen to the whole damn song or not."

"I'm impatient," Awsten shrugged and tapped on another song, cutting off I Was Hiding. He didn't want to at first, since he really liked the song, but he wanted to spite Geoff. 

"Whatever," Geoff sighed. "Oh, I like this one so far."

"Me too," Awsten said. "It's the one I submitted to the media celebration event we had a month ago."

"So this is the final product of Blonde!" Geoff cheered. 

"No, it's a demo," Awsten corrected him. "I'm sad I didn't demo it before. I only submitted the lyrics."

"Maybe you could submit it next year?" Geoff asked. Awsten shook his head.

"No, I'll probably have something better by January," Awsten said. "Hey, you wanna hear a song I wrote about my killer hair?"

"Oh, does it feature your killer looks?" Geoff mocked and Awsten stuck his tongue out at him.

"Yes, it's a double-feature package," he said. "I call it I'm A Natural Blue."

"I remember you showing me the lyrics for that," Geoff stated, taking another turn. 

"Well if you know it already then I'll just show you something else," Awsten said, scrolling further down. 

"Never gonna let me listen to an entire song, are you, Knight?" Geoff asked, chuckling. Awsten shook his head.

"Never," he said. "Even after I become a solo pop star. This one's Stupid For You."

"Are you stupid for me?" Geoff asked. 

"Absolutely not," Awsten laughed. "If you keep making bad puns, I'll kick you out of the car."

"This is my car!" Geoff said quickly, glancing at the natural blue. "You can't just do that."

"You hit me with a car!" Awsten retorted. Geoff rolled his eyes.

"It was a stunt, Aws!" Geoff said, recalling the events of Awsten demanding that him, Otto, Travis and Blake help him make a music video for a song called New Wave. Awsten ended up never uploading it to his YouTube channel, or even editing it, but he had crossed off one of the goals on his bucket list. 

"Whatever," Awsten said. "Sorry, changing the song again, I wanna show you another."

"Awsten, please, one song all the way through, please," Geoff begged. Awsten shook his head.

"Not today!" he laughed, tapping one his phone once more. "This is Fantastic."

"It does sound great," Geoff said, leading to Awsten bursting out into laughter.

"It's called Fantastic, dumbass," Awsten said through his giggles. Geoff rolled his eyes. 

"It's not that funny, Aws," Geoff said. 

"Fine, whatever, you don't get to hear this one all the way through then," Awsten said, tapping on yet another song. "Here's my soundcloud rap shit."

“Awsten… What the fuck is this?" Geoff said, stunned by the sounds of... What even was it? 

"Felony Steve," Awsten grinned. Geoff raised his eyebrows in confusion as the song played.

"Are you even saying words?" Geoff asked, laughing. "Dude, this is hilarious, how the hell did you come up with this?"

"I'm a genius, duh," Awsten answered. 

"Did you just- Did you just say you're gonna be the next Kenny Chesney?" Geoff asked, listening to Velcro. 

"Yes."

"How high were you when you made that?" Geoff joked. 

"Please, you know I don't drink and shit," Awsten said.

"I worry about you sometimes," Geoff said, pulling into the parking lot of an old-school style diner. "We're here by the way."

"Fuck, that smells good," Awsten said, unbuckling his seatbelt and unplugging the aux cord from his phone as the song ended. "Also, there, you got to listen to a full song."

"That doesn't count!" Geoff argued. "It wasn't even a minute long."

"Actually, it was," Awsten said and pointed at his phone. "It's a minute and forty-one seconds."

"Average song length is like, about three minutes!" Geoff reasoned. Awsten shrugged.

"Felony Steve doesn't follow rules," he said. 

"Whatever, blueberry, let's go eat," Geoff said, lacing his fingers into Awsten's, leading him into the diner.


	6. DEVASTATE MY PERSONAL SPACE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED

MAY 30TH

It was rapidly approaching June and the school year was almost over.

Geoff was excited, especially since he was slightly insecure about being a few years older than the rest of his friends, which was due to him deferring college for a few years. Normally, whenever anyone would ask why he deferred, he would tell them it was because he needed to save some money in order to pay the tuition, but in reality, it was because he wanted a break from schooling in order to just have fun (and to wait for Awsten and Otto to graduate.) He hated to admit that he went to one-too-many parties and probably drank one-too-many beers. He still liked to drink, but when he had become friends with Awsten and Otto, he had promised them that he'd tone it down. Awsten was concerned, but not to the level that Otto was. Otto had had a friend who had died from alcohol poisoning in high school and he didn't want the same thing to happen to Geoff.

Otto was slightly sad for it to be the end of his junior year, though, as once the next year - his senior year - was over, he'd be graduating from college and potentially saying bye to his two best friends. He sometimes had regrets of not deferring another year so he could've been in the same year as them. Of course, he'd miss Ciara and Chloe too, the others he befriended that year, but they weren't very close to him. He'd miss Grace the most, though, but he'd make it work, even if it meant he had to do long-distance. He wouldn't let her go.

Awsten, however, was boiling with excitement. He had been stressed the entire year and was dying for the semester to end. He'd been failing half of his classes due to his inability to complete homework - which he blamed solely on his mental issues (even though Geoff and Otto know that he's just lazy sometimes) as he'd been on and off of his meds - but he'd luckily aced the exams with no issues. He knew the material, he just didn't have a way to prove it through the homework. Geoff and Otto continually nagged at him to do it, but he just couldn't be bothered with it. Geoff was mad that he was failing when he could've been getting A's and B's. Awsten felt bad for letting Geoff down because he'd honestly rather let down his parents before Geoff, but he just wasn't up for it. He was burnt out from freshman year and high school and he hoped he'd get his shit together before junior year. If he could handle it, that is.

"Guys?" Awsten said, pulling everyone out of their thoughts. Since it was approaching the end of the year, Ciara thought they should all have a lunch together, just to celebrate the end of another year of schooling. Everyone agreed and they all had met up at the campus cafe, even though they had originally planned to head out to the Starbucks that was across the street. Chloe was upset they hadn't gone there, but Steve had a good point when he stated that if they were celebrating the end of the year, they should do it in the campus cafe.

"What's up, Aws?" Ciara asked once everyone's attention was on the natural blue.

"I think I might drop out," he said quietly. He was nervous as everyone around him was excited to get their degrees in their majors. Ciara and Chloe with modelling, Grace with special effects makeup, Steve with business, Travis with writing, Otto and Geoff and him all with music production... He didn't want to upset anyone with his potential decision, especially Geoff. He didn't want to disappoint him and he didn't want Geoff to think he was giving up on his dreams of making music. He just didn't see the point of going to college for a degree in something he could already do, especially since college was hurting his mental health just as bad as high school had - maybe even worse, considering the financial aspect.

"Wait, what?" Geoff said, surprised. Usually, Awsten would tell Geoff first if there was anything big going through his head, but Awsten had waited to drop the bomb on everyone at once instead. It was out of Awsten's comfort zone and it wasn't normal for him and it left Geoff wondering if he had lied when he said he was still taking his pills.

"That's a big deal, Aws," Steve said, cutting the uncomfortable silence that had set in the air.

"Yeah, I know," he replied softly, shrugging. "It wasn't an overnight thought; I've been pondering the idea since Becca mentioned it."

"She also dropped out," Grace said. "And none of us have heard from her since."

"Maybe she's happier," Awsten thought out loud. "She always seemed to be distant with us, especially after Nick broke up with her."

"I'm just glad you're not dropping out for the same reason that Patty did," Otto said, hoping to lighten the mood. Otto didn't like Awsten's decision, especially since he had already come this far, but if it's what Awsten needed to feel better, then Otto would fully support it. Otto would do anything for his best friend to be at peace with himself for once, even if it was only for a short while. Otto hated seeing Awsten so broken and messed up after Zakk and he wouldn't stand for it anymore. It was five years ago, but Otto could still see how bad it still affect Awsten. Otto was just glad he'd worked at improving and was starting to get the happiness he deserved.

"Oh, yeah, no, definitely not," Awsten said quickly. "I still can't believe he dropped out of college just because of his girlfriend- wait, fiancée- was expelled for doing him on campus."

"That's nasty," Travis cringed. "Did they get caught?"

"Obviously, dingus," Steve said, elbowing Travis and rolling his eyes. "Why are you thinking about it though, Aws?"

"It's fucking with me," Awsten laughed uncomfortably. "I've always been the worst at homework and shit and honestly I'm not gonna read a textbook cover to cover just to understand what's happening in class because my damn professor won't teach it."

"I feel that," Ciara laughed. "Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, but I'm desperate for contacts to even get into the modelling business."

"Ciara, you've already had a few modelling jobs," Chloe said, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, when I was like, eight!" Ciara retorted. "And that was how many years ago? Yeah, eleven!"

"Still," Chloe said.

"What's wrong, Chloe?" Geoff asked.

"Nothing, really," Chloe shrugged, turning to look at Ciara. "You're still lucky for having experience. I've got none."

Awsten furrowed his eyebrows at the exchange between the two but he pushed away from the jealous thoughts, deciding that now was not the time to make a scene, especially since he had to keep himself in line. He told Geoff and Otto that he was still taking his meds and he needed to make sure he didn't slip because if he did, they'd make him take his meds and he'd lose his feelings again. He'd lose his creativity and he couldn't let that happen. He couldn't let himself become numb again. He wouldn't let himself become numb again. Never again.

Geoff felt his phone buzz in his pocket, and since the conversation was over among everyone, he decided it would be fine to check the notification. He took a bite of his sandwich as he slipped the phone out of his pocket and he looked down to see a text message from Chloe.

chloebear: i didnt wana announce to everyone what was wrong

geoffyboi: thats fine i get that

Geoff slipped the phone back into his pocket, assuming that's all that Chloe had wanted to say. He took another bite of his sandwich, finishing it up. Everyone else was still eating, as Geoff was just a fast eater. Geoff's phone buzzed again.

chloebear: im just rly jealous

chloebear: like ciara's got it better than me n shes complaining

chloebear: n ur all busy with awsten and auto soooo

Geoff wasn't sure how to feel about the texts. He didn't want to upset Chloe because he cared about her, but at the same time, he didn't want to put up with her self-pity. He gets enough of it from Awsten.

geoffyboi: his name is otto

geoffyboi: i'm sorry if you feel that way. if you need me i'm always here.

Awsten noticed Geoff's change in demeanour and looked over at him with concern.

"You okay?" Awsten asked him. The brunette nodded, his mind spinning in order to come up with an excuse. He didn't want to tell Awsten about Chloe.

"Yeah, I think I just ate too much," Geoff said and shrugged. Awsten chuckled as Geoff stood up. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom, I'll be back in a few moments. Gotta, uh, take a dump."

"Why's it called taking a dump when you're clearing giving the dump to the potty box?" Awsten wondered aloud. The rest of the group looked at him dumbfoundedly.

"What the fuck, dude?" Steve asked, bursting out into hysterical laughter.

Geoff shook his head, cracking a small smile, before heading out of the cafe and towards the courtyard, which was mostly empty. Geoff sat down at one of the benches and pulled his phone out of his pocket, seeing another text from Chloe. He hadn't even felt his phone buzz.

chloebear: its not like ur married

geoffyboi: youre still getting carried away

geoffyboi: you have to look at this from another perspective

chloebear: i get it, you don't want to be there for me

geoffyboi: that's ridiculous chloe.

Geoff was beginning to get frustrated at this point, especially since he felt so horrible with how he was feeling about the situation. He felt terrible that he wasn't being honest with Awsten and he felt terrible that he liked the fact that Chloe liked him, even though he wouldn't admit it to himself.

chloebear: i mean come on i like u geoff

chloebear: and i know u like me too

geoffyboi: chloe...

chloebear: ok am i wrong??

chloebear: youve known him for so long and,,,,

chloebear: he's liked you for probably that long too

chloebear: how long have u even liked him

geoffyboi: i don't know, a while i guess

chloebear: has it been as long as you've liked me?

geoffyboi: youre making me uncomfortable

chloebear: stop lying to urself

cholebear: u kno u do.

Geoff was becoming increasingly uncomfortable the longer the conversation went on and by that point, Geoff had stopped responding to Chloe. He sighed, burying his head into the palms of his hands, thinking about the situation. He had hoped to be alone but the thought left his head once he heard footsteps nearby. He looked up to see Chloe.

"What are you doing here?" he asked her, hoping she'd catch on that now wasn't the time.

"Awsten's still in the cafe and you're out here and you stopped responding," she said, sitting down next to him.

"Yeah, I know," he breathed. "I was hoping you'd get the memo that I don't want to talk to you right now."

"And why's that? There's no way you like that blueberry more than you like me," she said, sending a glare at him that left him chills.

"I do," Geoff repeated, mostly for himself at this point. He wasn't sure why but he felt better to keep reminding himself.

"That doesn't mean you can't take me on as your girlfriend," Chloe retorted. Geoff pulled his head from his hands and looked at her with wide eyes.

"No," he said quickly. "No, no, I can't do that to Awsten."

"Why not? It's not like it's cheating," she laughed. "I'd be your rightful girlfriend, not replacing him in any way. You're not dating him."

"Excuse me?" Geoff said.

"Well, you're not. You just exchanged feelings. That's not dating. So date me," she suggested, shrugging her shoulders. Geoff stared at her.

"Chloe..." He begins.

"I like you, you like me! What's stopping you? Is it him? Is it you?" Chloe shouted angrily. "You can't see that I'm supposed to be your soulmate. You've got words on your wrist and so do I!"

"What do yours say, Cloo?" Geoff asked her, hoping she'd calm down. She was beginning to make a scene.

"It says, 'you're one of my favorite few,'" Chloe answered, holding out her wrist. Geoff held her hand steady, looking at the words. Geoff shook his head.

"No," he said. "You're not my soulmate."

"You don't know that," Chloe said.

"Yeah, you don't know that either," Geoff retorted.

"But you think that Awsten is?" Chloe asked. Geoff shrugged.

"I don't know if he is," he said. "But I like him."

"But you like me too," she argued.

"I don't know how to feel, alright?!" Geoff shouted, allowing his weekly outburst to come out now. "Look, I like you, it's obvious, anybody from a mile away could fucking tell! But I like Awsten too! And yeah, no, I can't have the both of you at the same time, that's wrong a-and I- I can't do that to Awsten, not after what he- Not after something bad happened. I can't hurt Awsten, I can't, I really really can't. And fuck, yeah, I guess, I do like you, but you're not my soulmate, I don't feel that connection with you, and I don't know if I feel it with Awsten, and I just I don't know!"

"It's not wrong if he doesn't know," Chloe said.

"I'd know," Geoff said.

"But he doesn't have to know."

"He'll find out," Geoff said.

"No, he won't," Chloe said, wrapping her arms around Geoff's neck and pulling him into a kiss. Geoff's eyes widened and didn't kiss back; he didn't push her away, either.

Chloe pulled away from Geoff and looked at him with a smile on her face. Geoff wasn't sure how to feel. Geoff didn't want to push Awsten's boundaries and that was the main reason why he'd not said anything more to Awsten other than telling him something's reciprocated, that there is something there. He wasn't sure what that something was, though, and he didn't want to chance it and hurt him, especially after what Zakk had done to him.

"He won't find out," Chloe said once more, attempting to calm Geoff's nerves, but Geoff wanted nothing more than to be out of this mess he was in.


	7. YOU NEVER REALLY MISSED ME BACK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED

JUNE 12TH

It was the first Monday of the summer break for Awsten and his friends, and he couldn't be more ecstatic. He'd gotten his associates degree in music production and Geoff had as well since they had passed their second year of college. Otto had gotten his a year back, but he was glad his other two friends were just as caught up as he was, in a way. 

Awsten looked over at Otto from where he sat on his bed and then looked over at the clock. 3:54 A.M. 

Awsten pondered if he should wake Otto up or not, as he was having bad thoughts. He hated that he was overly jealous and he knew it was irrational to be so envious of Chloe, especially when Geoff wasn't hers, but his. Geoff had agreed to be Awsten's boyfriend and vice versa. Geoff didn't like Chloe, and even if Chloe did like Geoff, Geoff wasn't like Zakk. Geoff wasn't Zakk and Zakk wasn't Geoff. Zakk was gone. 

Awsten had decided against waking Otto up, especially since he didn't want Otto to get even more suspicious over Awsten's pill intake. It had now been about two months since Awsten had taken any of his meds, and although he had done a good job in keeping himself in check, he was starting to slip slowly into a manic episode. He didn't realize it, but Otto noticed that Awsten's sleeping patterns had worsened from getting barely any sleep to going two to three nights in a row without even so much as a nap, and then Awsten would crash for roughly four hours, and then the cycle would repeat. Otto chose not to say anything, for he knew that if he did, Awsten would get worked up and shut him out, and Otto knew that would be very bad. 

Geoff laid awake in his bed as well, stressing out about the messy situation he put himself into with Awsten and Chloe. He really liked Chloe, he absolutely loved the way her flowing blonde hair framed her face and the way her porcelain skin shown in the Houston sun... But at the same time, he hated the fact that she let her jealousy take over her when it came to Awsten. And Awsten... Geoff felt so strongly about Awsten, he was tempted to call it love. But Chloe's words kept flying through his mind. Awsten won’t know. Awsten might not be his soulmate. Chloe might be his soulmate. How long has he felt this way about Awsten? And how long is that compared to how long he's felt something for Chloe? Or how long Awsten and Chloe have felt about him? It almost felt like a game of twenty-one questions to him, except he was the only player. 

Awsten picked his phone up off of the desk and clicked it on, seeing if he had any notifications. He saw he had a few more followers on Twitter, which he was happy about. He liked tweeting nonsensical things and lyrics and the drawings he'd do when he got completely bored. He wasn't sure why people were so interested in what he had to say, but he didn't mind. He enjoyed that people took an interest in him and he felt fueled by the likes he'd get on something dumb, like "the drug dog at the airport is ignoring me, this is bullying, I’m bringing coke next time."

Awsten unlocked his phone and spent a couple of his minutes scrolling through his Twitter feed, pausing to chuckle at one of Mark Hoppus's tweets and to retweet another tweet from Rihanna's profile. He scrolled aimlessly until he noticed a tweet from Chloe that was retweeted by Geoff. 

@chloebear: i love my bb so much hes such a sweetie((((: xoxo

06/11/17, 9:23 P.M.

Awsten grew suspicious, knowing that Chloe had a huge crush on Geoff, and has since February when she had first become friends with everyone. But Geoff wouldn't do that to me, Awsten thought. But why else would he retweet it?

Awsten tapped on her username, leading him to her profile page. He scrolled down slowly, skimming through her recent tweets.

@chloebear: blueberries are so overrated lmao yall go for lemons we sour bitches up in heeerrreee @ciaraahh

06/11/17, 3:46 P.M.

@chloebear: forreal tho who likes the color blue lmao its such a depressing color /////:

06/11/17, 11:12 A.M.

@chloebear: i convinced my mans to watch the big bang theory with me #yaasssss #cometothebb #wehavesteven

06/09/17, 11:58 P.M. 

Awsten frowned, recalling that Geoff had declined to hang out with him that Saturday night. Geoff had said that he had woken up sick and that he wanted to spend the day resting. Awsten offered to take care of him, just to spend quality time with him, but Geoff had turned that down too. 

"Maybe it's just a coincidence?" Awsten thought to himself, scrolling further down Chloe's profile. He noticed she talked a lot about hating the color blue and anything under the sun associated with it and how much she loved the color yellow. 

@chloebear: if yall dont like yellow then unfollow me lmao @ciaraahh is my yellow babe we power rangers together 4ever #bffs

06/05/17, 5:34 P.M.

@chloebear: natural blue?? like,,, does that mean ur naturally depressed lmfao @ciaraahh

06/03/17, 7:12 P.M.

@chloebear: hey babes come get lunch with me,, ((: @ciaraahh @geoffwigington @djmoneysnak @glitterdick

06/03/17, 12:04 P.M.

Awsten stared at the tweets in disbelief. This all had to be a coincidence. Geoff wasn't... He wasn't like that! Geoff wouldn't do that. He wouldn’t… Geoff had promised Awsten that he wouldn't… He wouldn't be like Zakk. Geoff wasn't Zakk and Zakk wasn't Geoff. Zakk was gone. He was gone. Geoff wasn't Zakk. 

"What the hell?" Awsten whispered to himself, wondering how Chloe even knew his younger sister, Gracie. Gracie was still in high school, her senior year, how could she even have met Chloe? The two didn't even attend the same high school. Did they meet through Geoff? Awsten thought. 

Awsten looked at the clock, seeing it was now past five o'clock in the morning. It would be more reasonable to wake Otto up at this hour and he felt that he had a necessary reason now. It wasn't just unreasonable jealousy that kept him awake, no, he had fuel to the fire. 

Awsten shuffled out of his bed and walked quietly to the other side of the room. He was about to wake Otto up but he felt his phone buzz continuously in his hand, signalling that someone was calling him. Awsten was confused. Nobody ever called him. Who called people these days? 

He looked down at the phone, seeing Geoff's face and name covering the screen. He was tempted to decline, but maybe Geoff had an explanation, and that this was all just a big misunderstanding and a coincidence. Geoff wasn't cheating on Awsten. Awsten was just being silly. 

Awsten tapped the "accept" button and held the phone up to his ear, muttering a quiet "hello?"

"Hey, Aws," Geoff said in a groggy voice. It sounded like Geoff had been up all night with no sleep at all. 

"Why're you calling?" Awsten asked, his words exiting his mouth quickly. He spoke fast on a normal basis, but this was a different kind of fast-paced talking, and Geoff picked up on it quick. Something was wrong.

"Are you okay?" Geoff asked, ignoring Awsten's question.

"I asked you something first," Awsten said, gritting his teeth. He was angry, much angrier than he should've been, but he felt a sudden wave of irritation come over him. He wanted to feel bad about taking it out on Geoff but he was so suspicious over Chloe's tweets. And Geoff's retweet. Geoff wouldn’t... he wouldn't do that, Awsten kept saying to himself. Geoff's not Zakk and Zakk's not Geoff. Zakk is gone. Geoff is not Zakk.

"I called you because I can't sleep and I miss your voice," Geoff said. Awsten frowned and glared, even though Geoff couldn't see his face.

"Or do you miss Chloe's?" Awsten snapped, anger seething through each of his words. He hoped in the back of his mind he wouldn't wake Otto up with his talking, but he wasn't thinking straight. He was angry, he was irritated, he was upset, he wasn't going to hold it in. He was going to let it out because, goddamnit, he deserved to feel. He deserved to feel it and not bottle it. He was going to feel. 

"What are you talking about, Aws?" Geoff asked in a confused tone, making Awsten even angrier.

"Fuck you, you know what I mean!" Awsten fumed, practically screaming into his phone at this point. He saw Otto stirring in his sleep out of the corner of his eye and he knew he was about to cause a scene in his own damn bedroom, but he was out of fucks to give. He didn't care right now. He wanted one thing, and that was to feel. And he felt outraged. 

"I really don't," Geoff said honestly. He didn't have a clue what he did wrong, especially since Chloe promised him that everything would be fine. He... He didn't even kiss her back. He didn't do anything wrong. She kissed him, he didn't kiss her. That wasn't wrong, was it?

"You probably weren't even fucking sick on Saturday, asshole!" Awsten screamed. Otto was awake by this point and stared at Awsten, wondering what had set him off and wondering what it was that made him so mad. "You lied to me just so you could fucking Netflix and chill with her!" 

"I didn't Netflix and chill with anyone," Geoff said. Sure, he had been forced to watch the entirety of The Big Bang Theory by Chloe, and The Big Bang Theory was on Netflix, but he didn't do anything with her. Not like that.

"Her tweets say otherwise," Awsten hissed. Otto stood up from the bed and walked over to Awsten and placed his hands gently on the other boy's shoulders.

"Awsten, calm down," Otto said softly, leading Awsten to sit down on his bed. "You're getting really angry and I don't want you to keel over from cardiac arrest at twenty-five." 

"I am really fucking angry, Otto!" Awsten shouted and slammed his phone onto the wooden floorboards beneath them. "I'm fucking angry, I'm irritated, I'm emotional, I'm whatever you want to fucking call me! I was having a good time but Chloe had to fucking ruin everything because she can't keep her hands off of what's not hers! Geoff was mine, he was mine, he was mine and she took him! She took him, she took him, she took him!"

"Awsten, please, calm down," Otto said again. He glanced down at the phone, noticing that Geoff was still on the call. He was hearing everything.

"No, I don't want to calm down!" Awsten said exasperatedly. "I want to fucking feel and you know what I feel? I feel betrayed, like, l-like my heart just got ripped out of my fucking chest, and I'm done being numb, I'm done being dull. I'm gonna fucking feel it even if it kills me!"

"Awsten-" Geoff began in a concerned tone but was cut off by the natural blue.

"No, fuck you, Geoff, you don't get to talk right now!" Awsten screamed, kicking his phone to the other side of the room. Otto looked at Awsten worryingly.

"You haven't been taking your pills," Otto stated. Awsten looked over at Otto, eyes wide in fear. He shook his head quickly.

"No, no, you're wrong," Awsten said quickly. "I've been taking my pills! I'm fine, I'm fine, I really am, I'm just- I'm- Geoff's cheating on me! It's normal to be mad about that! You're wrong, you're fucking wrong, I'm taking my pills, Otto!"

"You haven't been taking your pills," Otto said again, a look of hurt flashing across his face before returning to his worried state. "Awsten, you promised me you'd take your meds!" 

"I- I have been!" Awsten insisted, tears forming in the corners of his dual-toned eyes. He was beginning to shake and he felt of anxiety wash over him. "I- I've been taking them, Otto, I s-swear."

"You're not acting like yourself, Awsten," Otto frowned. He was furious that Awsten had lied to him, especially with something so serious, but it wasn't the time to scold him. Otto needed to get Awsten to a hospital to get him stabilized before he became any more of a danger to himself than he already was at the moment; whether Awsten realized it or not, he was not in a safe mental state. He was unstable. 

"What do you mean?!" Awsten said loudly, flailing his arms. "I've been even more of myself without those things making me dull and feel nothing! I felt nothing with them, I was numb, I wasn't creative, I couldn't think! I felt fucking dead, Otto, I won't go through that again!"

"Awsten, you're acting impulsively!" Otto pointed out. 

Geoff was still on the phone.

"No, I'm not!" Awsten screamed back at him, standing up from the bed and stomping his foot on the ground. 

Geoff had contacted Awsten's psychiatrist.

"How much have you slept in the past couple of weeks, Awsten? Almost nothing at all and you haven't crashed at all from the lack of sleep. You've been constantly energetic, you've been throwing all of your money on gifts and dates for Geoff, you've been in such an elevated mood! Awsten, I'm not dumb!" Otto said angrily. "I know the signs, Aws, you're having a manic episode."

"Oh! I'm having a manic episode because I'm feeling emotions for once?" Awsten snapped back. "Oh, shit, Awsten's happy, he's having a manic episode!! Oh, is Awsten mad? So what if Geoff probably fucked Chloe behind his back and betrayed him like he promised he wouldn't! Awsten's just being manic again!!"

"You and I both know it's not like that," Otto said firmly. 

"I didn't do anything with Chloe," Geoff spoke up. Awsten had forgotten that Geoff was still on the phone call and that he'd never hung up. "We’re not even dating, Awsten."

"Then what were all those tweets on her profile about? You even retweeted her tweet talking about how fucking sweet her boyfriend is. And she likes you. You're her boyfriend," Awsten explained angrily through gritted teeth. "That’s why we’re not dating, right? Right?! Because I’m not her!" 

"Awsten, she's not my soulmate," Geoff said, shifting in his bed as he sent a text to Otto, letting him know that he had contacted someone and that someone would be showing up soon to take Awsten to the hospital for him to be stabilized. 

"Yeah, well, it's not like you know that I'm yours," Awsten hissed. 

"You're right, I don't," Geoff said. "But I know that I love you."

"Yeah, how do you know it's love?" Awsten scoffed. "We’re not even dating and you’re, you, y-you could mean love in so many different ways, Geoff, and y-you're off being sneaky and Chloe's flaunting and subtweeting every-fucking-thing."

"Look, I can't control what Chloe says," Geoff said angrily. "I can't just force her to stop tweeting those things."

"There's a reason she's tweeting those things and it's because she fucking wants you and you're just feeding the problem, so fuck you!" Awsten shouted, stomping on the ground once more.

There was a knock on the door, though Awsten didn't hear it, as he was entirely focused on his vexation at Geoff and Chloe. Otto had answered the door and in what seemed to be almost slow motion for Awsten, he was taken into an ambulance, with Otto by his kicking-and-screaming side.


	8. IF I COULD FIND MY SOMETHING TO BURN OUT THESE FEELINGS, I'D CUT THEM OUT COMPLETELY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED

JUNE 28TH

Awsten had been released from the hospital a few days prior and he was being watched by Otto like a hawk. Otto had set a timer in both his and Awsten's phones for when it was time for him to take his medication so that way Otto would make sure he was taking them and not flushing the pills like the twenty-five-year-old had been doing before. He had also told Geoff to set an alarm as well, in case Otto needed him to check on Awsten, even though Awsten didn't want anything to do with Geoff at that moment. Otto and Geoff had both agreed that Awsten couldn't be left alone. 

Awsten sat in his dorm room along with Otto. Geoff had sat outside the room, his back against the door. It was a common occurrence now, as Awsten would refuse to let Geoff come in even though Otto had consistently told him he needed to talk it out with Geoff. Geoff was upset about the situation but he was just glad that Awsten was okay. Otto was annoyed that Awsten was being stubborn but he was glad that Awsten had calmed down and was slowly beginning to adjust back to his normal mood spectrum. 

"You've got to talk to him sometime," Otto said, bringing Awsten out of his thoughts. The boy looked over at the poodle and sighed.

"I'm still hurt," Awsten said solemnly. 

"You don't even know if he was with Chloe or not," Otto said. "It's probably just a big misunderstanding, I mean, you've overreacted to something like this so many times before."

"But it's different this time," Awsten croaked, tears brimming in the corner of his blue-green eyes. 

"Awsten, you don’t know," Otto said, placing his hand on the natural blue's shoulder comfortingly. Awsten opened his mouth to respond, but Otto quickly cut him off, knowing what he was going to say. "Her tweets probably mean nothing."

"Geoff liked and retweeted some of them, though," Awsten retorted, looking at Otto. Otto sighed and shook his head.

“Maybe you should take a break from social media. But you know what will fix this? Talking to him," he said again, hoping it'd get through to Awsten that the only way he was going to be able to gain closure and cope with the situation was to just talk it out with Geoff. "It's not going to do any harm, only good."

"You don't know that," Awsten sniffled. "I could find out that he really did screw her and I mean, I guess in a way that'd be my fault, like with Za-"

"No, no no, no," Otto said quickly, looking at Awsten sternly. "You are not bringing Zakk up right now. What Zakk did to you was not okay, he had absolutely no right to hurt you or abuse you in the ways that he did. That is in no way your fault, Awsten. Geoff is not Zakk."

"I feel just as bad as I did back then," Awsten murmured. Otto's eyes widened and he hung his mouth open. 

"That's not something that you mean," Otto stated. Awsten looked down at the ground, tears silently rolling down his cheeks, and he shrugged.

"You're right," Awsten said quietly. "I don't mean that. Geoff's not Zakk. Zakk's not Geoff. Zakk is gone. He's gone."

"Will you please talk to Geoff?" Otto asked, practically begging for the natural blue to agree. "Please? For me?"

"Fine," Awsten huffed. It had been long enough of him being stubborn, he supposed he could talk with Geoff, even if he had only agreed because Otto had pleaded him to. Awsten didn't feel ready to face his problems, but he knew that if he didn't now then he never would. Awsten hated talking about his emotions, even if it was to someone who he was more comfortable with being open with. Even when Geoff and he were still on good terms, he'd never tell Geoff everything. He was scared to open up to Geoff due to the voice in the back of his mind that was constantly nagging at him, telling him everything that could go wrong would go wrong, that Geoff would be just another Zakk, everyone was just another Zakk, everybody was out to get him. 

"Geoff, you still outside?" Otto asked, tapping lightly on their door. Geoff had shuffled around and stood up before responding with a quiet "yes."

Otto opened the door and moved aside, allowing Geoff to stride by him and into the small square dorm (which looked smaller than it actually was due to Otto covering every inch of wall space on his side with posters of My Chemical Romance and Awsten covering every inch of wall space on his side with polaroids of him and his friends and family). Geoff's blue eyes met Awsten's blue-green ones and instantly Geoff was hit with a heavy heart. The guilt he felt was immense. He didn't even do anything wrong in his eyes. Yeah, Chloe had kissed him, and sure, he felt a pang in his chest, but it wasn't the same feeling he got when Awsten held his hand or even looked at him with love and adoration filling his eyes. And he didn't kiss her back, that's got to count for something, no?

"How are you?" Geoff asked timidly, not daring to step over any lines. He didn't even want to come close to one. He just wanted to make sure Awsten was okay and that Awsten would hear him out, let him explain what happened, and how he didn’t… Didn’t be like Zakk. Even if Awsten felt that he did. Because Awsten was wrong, wasn't he? Geoff didn't do anything wrong, he didn't kiss her back, he never said Chloe could kiss him, he never gave consent. He never agreed to a relationship with her, she never asked him out and vice versa. Geoff didn't do anything wrong. It’s not even like him and Awsten were dating anyways! Awsten shouldn’t feel so upset.

Awsten felt more tears lining his eyes, daring to spill over and cause a mini-titanic moment by his pupils. He couldn't bear to look at Geoff, but at the same time, he couldn't pull his eyes away. It was like he was a deer caught in the headlights of a car like he knew he was going to be hit, he was going to die, this was the end for him, but he couldn't look away. He knew it was coming and, god, did he want to look away and just push Geoff away again and bury himself in his pillow and sob while Otto tried to calm him down. But there was no way Otto would let the natural blue do that. Not right now, not today. Otto was adamant that Awsten talks to Geoff, and dammit, Awsten had finally agreed to it and he was not about to let the blue-headed boy back out. The time was now. 

"Not good," Awsten answered softly, pulling his gaze from the brunette to look down at the ground.

"I'm sorry," Geoff said quietly. He felt so awful to see Awsten like this, even if he didn't do anything wrong. Geoff felt like the worst person in the world for disappointing Awsten like this and he was so angry at Chloe for pulling a stunt like this. He knew that Chloe liked him, she had been (low-key) obsessed with him for months, but he didn't think she'd go to this extent to get Geoff away from him.

"It felt like you ripped my heart out, Geoff," Awsten said and continued to stare at the floor. He was deep in thought, trying to find some kind of feeling to hold on to. He was upset, but he didn't feel upset. He knew he was mad, he knew he was sad, he wanted everything to just get rid of the numbness that was held inside of him and to just feel something again, but he knew he couldn't do that. “Like you just… took it, put it on the floor and stomped on it and… did that foot twisty-thing.

"I know," Geoff said sadly. "I didn't- I didn't mean to make you feel like that."

"Well, you did," Awsten said, moving his head into the shoulder the farthest away from Geoff. Awsten didn't mean to sound so passive-aggressive but he couldn't help the monotone in his voice. He wanted so badly to just cry and let it all out, but he wouldn't. He felt like he couldn't. 

"Aws," Geoff began softly, waiting to see if the blue-haired boy was going to start speaking or make any movements. Awsten didn't do a thing, waiting for the brunette to continue. There was an awkward silence that filled the room, only the sound of Awsten's stuttered breathing to be heard. 

Geoff waited a few moments before continuing on. 

"I just... I'm gonna tell you the whole truth, everything that happened, it might help us understand why Chloe's saying all these things and- And trying to- to… To get me, I guess," Geoff said, struggling to get his words out. 

"The whole truth?" Awsten said as he raised his eyebrows and looked at Geoff with suspicious eyes. Geoff nodded slowly and looked back at Awsten with tear-glazed eyes. 

"Well, uh, she- Chloe- came up to me when I was sitting on a bench over in the courtyard, uh, she tried coming onto me, saying that she knew I liked her and that she liked me, uh," Geoff started, feeling a wave of heat rush through him. He felt nauseous, nervous, he wanted nothing more than to be out of this situation; he wanted nothing more than to run away from his problems and ignore it so he could stop feeling like this, even though he knew it wouldn't go away until after the issue was resolved. 

"You like her...?" Awsten asked shakily. He felt his chest become heavy and felt what could be described as a stab to his heart as tears slid silently down his pink cheeks. He wanted to be angry, he wanted to feel furious and infuriated and he wanted to scream and yell at Geoff for doing what he promised he wouldn't do, but he couldn't. He couldn't feel sullen, he felt numb; he felt dismal, despondent, heartbroken. He felt as if he was the gloomiest boy in the world. 

"No no no!" Geoff said quickly, shaking his head and waving his hands. "No, no, gosh no, Aws, no."

"Then why do you sound so defensive?" Awsten asked, nothing but sadness filling his words. He was angry before, he had been passive-aggressive but now he was nothing but low-spirited and dejected. It sounded like he had given up. 

"I- I'm not being defensive, 'm not!" Geoff stammered, not wanting to think about is conflicted feelings between the blonde bombshell and the natural blue. He didn't feel strongly about Chloe but there was still something there and that drove him off an imaginary cliff; he felt strongly about Awsten but he had recognized at this point he had done most everything he said he wouldn't and that he had hurt Awsten. 

"You said the whole truth, Geoffery," Awsten stated monotonously. Geoff looked over at Awsten, feeling pain hit his chest. He was composed of panic and worry, as he desperately wanted to tell Awsten the truth but he didn't want to lose him. 

"I-" 

"The whole truth!" Awsten shouted. "The whole truth, Geoff, the whole truth!" 

"I did!" Geoff shouted back. 

The two said nothing more to each other for a few moments, noticing the quick escalation of the conversation. Otto had taken this time to make up an excuse about needing to meet up with Grace to study for some test (to which the only class he had with Grace was Economics and they didn't have an upcoming test) and left the room swiftly. He had taken Geoff's previous spot and sat outside the door, just to make sure that one of them (more Awsten than Geoff) didn't start swinging or breaking anything. Otto was the peace-keeper, and even though he hated it, he'd do anything to keep Awsten safe and out of harm's way. He owed it to the natural blue after ignoring the warning signs with what happened with Zakk. He wouldn't let the natural blue try to kill himself ever again. Otto didn't dare think about what he'd do to himself if he slipped his guard and let Awsten down again. He wouldn't think about it; he couldn't think about it. 

Awsten was the first to break the silence that held between him and Geoff by breaking down into a sobbing mess. Geoff wasn't sure if he was allowed to even attempt to comfort Awsten, especially since he was the one who had hurt him. He took a step closer to the natural blue to test his boundaries, to which Awsten didn't move back. Geoff hesitated as he stepped closer once more and he wrapped his arms around Awsten's fragile figure. Awsten didn't pull away but he didn't return the embrace either, simply standing there on his own with his hands buried in his face while he continued to bawl. 

"I didn't like her a lot," Geoff said quietly, knowing that Awsten needed to hear everything else before he could leave the room. Geoff was determined to say everything he needed to and that he'd refuse to leave before he was done. "It was just- Just like a feeling of lust, I g-guess, uh... I don't like her the way I like you, Awsten... You're- Y-you're my best friend and I can't just... I can't deny that I feel strongly about you, Aws, a-a-and I- I- I just, I'm so sorry. B-But she came onto m-me at the bench a-and she kept saying she w-wanted me and I k-kept telling her n-no, Aws, I told her no, I said it over a-and o-over, I said no. S-she kept going, Aws, I didn't want her to kiss me b-but she did, I- I didn't k-kiss her back, I swear, I d-didn't, I t-told her no."

Awsten didn't say anything as he moved his hands from his face and wrapped them around Geoff, crying into his chest. Geoff didn't say anything about it, knowing that Awsten needed to get it out as he'd been bottling his feelings for too long. 

"I kept trying to get her to go away, Aws," Geoff said. "She wouldn't a-and she got mad and jealous and t-that's probably why she said t-those things on Twitter."

"Why'd you retweet the one where she calls you amazing?" Awsten sniffled, hitting Geoff's chest and pushing him away, wiping away his tears onto his sweater-covered hands.

Geoff looked at Awsten with wide eyes, taken aback by the sudden change in his mood. He stood in shock, not daring to make a move in fear that Awsten was going hurt him, or worse, himself.

"I- I, uh, I- I w-was trying to, uh, to get her to stop," Geoff stammered out quietly, hoping Awsten had heard him so he didn't have to repeat it. Geoff was scared to death and even though he didn't want to admit it, Awsten truly did terrify Geoff, especially when got into his moods. Geoff hated the days when Awsten's medication didn't work as well as it should, or at least that's what Geoff had thought, for he was unaware of how long he had been slowly decreasing the dosage he was consuming. Awsten wasn't aware of how dangerous that was but he didn't care. He wanted to feel.

"You were trying to get her to stop by feeding into the problem?!" Awsten yelled. "What the hell, Geoff? That's not how you solve it! Why didn't you just come and fucking talk to me?!"

"This is why, Awsten!" Geoff shouted right back, beginning to get agitated. "I say something that you don't like and you go off and it's like your a fucking ticking time bomb!"

"So you thought it'd be better to keep this a secret from me? Are you fucking sure you're not a cheating asshole?!" Awsten barked loudly. His face was tear-stained and red and he looked like an emotional mess, which wasn't far from the truth. The lithium pills took at least six weeks to begin working fully and it had only been a little over two. 

"I didn't fucking cheat on you! We are not dating!" Geoff screamed, stomping his foot onto the ground, not caring for the fact that Awsten and Otto's dorm was on the third floor and the people who lived below them were probably getting fed up with all the noise they had made over the past month or two. "She kissed me, I didn't kiss her! Why can't you get that into your fucking tiny brain?! I'm not the asshole here, I'm trying to fix our fucking relationship problems but it seems that all you care about is the fact that Chloe exists and that I apparently ever so much want to fuck her but I don't want to fuck her, okay?! I don't want anything romantic with her, I don't want her, I like you, Awsten! But you can't see that, can you?! You're a fucking selfish brat, only thinking about yourself! Fuck you!"

Awsten stared at Geoff in shock as the brunette swiftly turned on his heel and stomped out of the dorm room, accidentally smacking Otto's head with the door as he angrily threw it open. Geoff apologized to Otto and then slammed the door shut and made his way out of the building. 

Otto walked into the dorm room, looking to see Awsten with his jaw hanging open and tears rolling down his face at a quick pace. He was breathing heavily and looked like he was about to break down into heavyhearted sobs. 

"I guess it was time for Geoff's weekly outburst, huh?" Otto joked, trying to lighten the mood, but regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. His face fell as Awsten collapsed to the floor and buried his face into his knees, bawling vehemently. 

"I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up," Awsten whimpered repeatedly as he cried. Otto plopped down onto the ground next to him and held Awsten close to him, hoping he'd calm down. 

Awsten had ended up crying himself to sleep not too long later and Otto took his opportunity to pull his phone out and text Geoff.

otter: are you ok?

wiggleton: what do you care

wiggleton: you're awsten's best friend not mine

otter: youre my best friend too

otter: i can have more than one

wiggleton: whatever

wiggleton: no i'm not fine

wiggleton: i'm upset with awsten as you probably heard 

wiggleton: fuckin eavesdropper

otter: i was outside to make sure neither of you killed each other

otter: ya know, peacemaker 

otter: dont change the subject on me 

wiggleton: fine whatever say what you wanna say because obviously you're gonna send it anyways

otter: damn straight i am

otter: anyways, look i know awsten upset you, if i were in your position id be upset too because its definitely not fair that hes irrational about it

otter: but you gotta look at it from awstens position, and ik thats hard because hes not emotionally stable when hes not on his pills, but think about it

otter: if you put yourself in awstens position and you thought he was cheating on you and he wasnt telling you anything until you confronted him and then when he got mad about it he just blew up on you saying a bunch of mean things he didnt mean wouldnt you be upset too

wiggleton: that was the worst run-on sentence i have ever read

otter: thats not the point geoff

wiggleton: *sigh* yes that would make me upset. even though we’re not dating so it wouldn’t be cheating

otter: why do you keep bringing up the fact that you’re not dating him? that sounds so suspiciously defensive.

wiggleton: because he’s overreacting, Otto.

wiggleton: but it's not like he was exactly listening to me either

otter: he was probably focused on the fact that you said you had feelings for her and that you two locked lips. 

wiggleton: she kissed me, i didn't kiss her back

otter: you also retweeted one of her tweets and you know how awsten is about problem-solving

wiggleton: i recognize that that wasn't the best way to handle the situation, especially considering that awsten follows me and not her

wiggleton: if i hadn't retweeted that awsten wouldn't have seen her bitchy tweets and then we wouldn't be in this mess!

otter: im pretty sure thats not how that wouldve solved the problem

otter: but whatever helps you sleep at night

wiggleton: i don’t sleep at night

otter: geoff you really need to see someone about that again

Read 2:44 P.M.

Otto sighed and put his phone down, getting up off of the floor. He gently picked Awsten up and plopped him down onto his bed before grabbing his keys to head out to buy some more chocolate and get some advice from Grace.


	9. YOU'VE PAINTED YOUR FUTURE BUT I'M JUST NOT IN THE PICTURE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED

JULY 2ND

It was Geoff's birthday.

Awsten and Geoff hadn't talked for roughly a week, though Otto had kept tabs up on the both of them, trying to convince them to talk to each other and have a civil conversation yet the both of them were being stubborn, though for different reasons. They did share one reason in common, however, that being fear. 

Geoff was scared to death that he'd snap on Awsten again and he was utterly terrified that he'd lose the boy for good this time if he ever did that again. Geoff didn't want that to happen because he knew there was something special about Awsten, though he didn't know what it was. He just had a feeling in his gut that he was with the right person and he hated himself deeply for screwing it up. 

Awsten was terrified of the different scenarios that played throughout his head of the upcoming talk, thinking about every single bad thing that could happen. They could be talking while on a walk and Geoff could get hit by a car while they crossed the road and then Geoff'd be dead and Awsten would've lost the best person he's had in his life (aside from Otto), or perhaps they'd be at the Starbucks across the street and Geoff'd get angry at him and break up with him and throw his hot coffee on him, leaving him with a broken heart and second-degree burns. Or maybe Geoff would turn out to be another person just like Zakk and leave him once he had taken every single piece of life that Awsten had left in him and shatter it in front of his eyes. Awsten knew that Geoff wasn't Zakk and that Zakk wasn't Geoff and that Zakk was gone, but he never was able to get rid of the elusive and privacy-breaching thoughts that still lingered in his mind. Zakk was gone. He was gone. Zakk is not Geoff and Geoff is not Zakk and Zakk is gone. He is gone.

"You know, it's Geoff's birthday today," Otto said nonchalantly to Awsten as the boys were lounging around in their dorm. Awsten was sat on his bed fiddling around with a Rubix cube he had inherited from his little sister, Gracie, and slowly getting frustrated as he couldn't quite figure the damn thing out. Otto, although amused by Awsten's inability to solve the cube, was busy watching videos of My Chemical Romance on YouTube and trying not to cry about their breakup, even though it had already been over four years. 

"I didn't forget," Awsten said softly. He put down the Rubix cube on his nightstand and sat up on the side of his bed, looking over at Otto. 

"Talk to him," Otto said, pausing the music video for Helena and returning the gaze. "At least wish him a happy birthday, come on. It's his twenty-eighth."

"Yeah, I know, Otto," Awsten said harshly. "I didn't forget. It's not like he wished me a happy birthday this year, why wouldn't I return the favor?"

"Stop being so damn petty," Otto hissed, slamming the old Mac shut and glaring daggers at the natural blue. "I'll drag your ass over to his house right now, Blueberry."

"Is that a threat or a promise?" Awsten asked, rolling his eyes. Otto stood up from the desk chair and grabbed Awsten's wrist and pulled him out of their dorm room.

"Both," Otto responded as he continued to drag Awsten out of their dorm building, across the street, and soon into Geoff's neighborhood. 

"Geoff probably doesn't even want to see me right now, Otto!" Awsten whined, putting up no fight with Otto, recognizing that he was right. He had to see Geoff sometime or another, especially considering they'd never broken up, they were still boyfriends, and no matter the outcome, they'd both need closure. 

"Too bad," Otto said, dismissing the conversation as the two boys ran up Geoff's driveway and up to his door. Otto knocked loudly, waiting for a response. 

Geoff's father opened the door, smiling widely at the two. Awsten and Otto could hear the beginning of Fat Lip by Sum 41 playing loudly from down the hall and Geoff's father sighed at the sound of it. 

"Oliver! Alex! Nice to see you again!" Geoffery said happily.

"It's Otto," Otto said.

"It's Awsten," Awsten said.

"Right, right, Auto and Autumn!" Geoffery smiled once more, gesturing for the two boys to come in. Otto and Awsten ignored the matter, knowing that no matter how long they've known Geoff's dad, he'd never remember their names. "Geoff's in his room, please tell him to turn his damn music down!"

"Nice to see you, too, Mr Wigington, and will do," Otto said as they passed by him and travelled down the hall to Geoff's bedroom. "I hate that he never gets our names right."

Awsten shrugged, not worried at all about Geoff's dad inept hearing. He was terrified of what was about to go down with Geoff, and even though Otto was with him, he felt completely, utterly alone. 

"Geoff! Your music is blaring-" Otto yelled as he knocked on Geoff's door, swinging it open not even a moment later. Geoff looked up at the two boys. And so did Chloe.

The two boys stood in silence, staring at Geoff and Chloe. Otto was fuming at the situation and Awsten was feeling a plethora of emotions that he didn't quite understand. 

"What the fuck, dude?" Otto said, being the first to speak. He was angry, especially with what had gone down with Awsten the last time he had just speculation over Geoff cheating on him with Chloe, and the sight in front of the two couldn't have been worse. 

"I- W-what? Ot- Aws? What?" Geoff stammered, confused. He quickly pushed Chloe off of him, fumbling his nightstand to grab his phone and turn Cobra Starship's You Make Me Feel off. 

"Geoff, what the fuck?" Otto repeated, his anger growing by the minute. Geoff knew that Otto was going to take Awsten's side and he couldn't really blame him. Otto had been with Awsten through thick and thin, and even though Geoff had too, Otto wasn't the one who had been hurting Awsten as of recent.

Otto glanced over at Awsten from the corner of his eye, seeing the heterochromic boy standing shell-shocked. He hadn't moved since the situation unfolded, standing with a look of complete heartbreak lacing his face and tears lining his eyes. 

"Geoff," Awsten spoke quietly, his voice cracking. It seemed like he was about to break at any moment, and both Otto and Geoff knew it. Chloe threw a shirt on over her head - making sure it was one of Geoff's and not her own - and made her way out of the room. She leant over and whispered into Awsten's ear as she passed him, saying, "Mine."

Geoff sat upon his bed, shirtless and jeans unbuttoned. It was clear to Awsten that something was definitely happening. Chloe wasn't in her undergarments and on top of Geoff, touching him because they were about to play a round of Splatoon 2 on Geoff's switch. No, no, Awsten knew what was going to go down. If they had shown up at Geoff's house any time later, he knew that when they walked in they would've seen them both completely naked. On top of each other. Doing what Awsten couldn't do. Giving Geoff what Awsten couldn't. She was what Awsten wasn't.

Geoff's eyes flickered up to Awsten and immediately his heart broke at the sight of pure sadness on his face. Awsten was trying his hardest to hold back his tears; he refused to let Geoff see him as weak at this moment. He needed to show Geoff that he didn't need him, even though the truth was that he felt he couldn't live without him. Awsten knew it was unhealthy to be so dependent, but he couldn't help it. He had an addictive personality and he didn't know how to deal with it. 

"Why?" Awsten croaked, hoping his legs didn't give out from beneath him. He was suffering and Geoff knew it. He could see it in the boy's eyes and the way he was carrying himself and all Awsten wanted to do was to go home, curl in his bed, blast out Blink-182's I Miss You and cry himself to sleep. He wanted to ignore the problems, ignore the fact that he was right, ignore that Otto tried to defend Geoff and ignore the fact that Geoff had lied to him when Geoff said he'd never do such a thing; he wanted to ignore so badly that Geoff said he wouldn't be like Zakk. But Geoff was starting to show red flags, he was starting to become what Zakk was. Or maybe it was all in Awsten’s head and he was being overdramatic because Geoff is not Zakk and Zakk is not Geoff. Zakk is gone, Geoff is not. Zakk is gone. He is gone.

"I- It's not what it looks like, Aws, I, I, I swear," Geoff stammered, standing up from the bed and stepping close to the two boys. Otto moved to stand between the two, sending a look that could kill Geoff. 

"Geoff, how could you possibly explain why you and Chloe were half-naked in your bed?!" Otto spat angrily. "Cheating bastard."

"Otto, please," Geoff begged, tears brewing in his sad, blue eyes. "Please, you've gotta listen, it’s not cheating-"

"No," Awsten said softly yet stern, interrupting Geoff's thoughts. Both Geoff and Otto stayed quiet, silence filling the atmosphere. 

Otto was tempted to take Awsten out of the situation, and he felt so bad because he was the one who had dragged him to Geoff's house in the first place, but he knew that this is what Awsten needed. Closure. 

"Geoff, you... You promised me one thing," Awsten said shakily. He was hoping, praying, wishing that his voice wouldn't betray him; willing that his voice wouldn't crack and he wouldn't break down into a fit of ugly sobs before he'd even gotten the chance to rip Geoff a new one, even if in a much, much less violent tone. 

Awsten looked up into the gloomy boy's eyes, seeing the sunny sky-blue fade away into the abyss of sadness that enveloped the cerulean color. His head's still rich and his heart still broke; it had felt like he had been here many times before. 

"I know," Geoff said quietly, his eyes breaking away from Awsten's gaze to stare down at his feet. He felt guilty and ashamed; he knew there was no excuse for what he did. He hated to know that he betrayed who he felt was his soulmate. He knew that Chloe wasn't meant to be his, he just didn't understand why he kept going back to her. Especially when she was backstabbing Awsten, though they weren't really much of friends in the first place. 

"And you..." Awsten trailed off, feeling his throat tighten at the mere thought of comparing Geoff to Zakk out loud. He couldn't bear to say his name, he didn't want to let it graze his tongue. It was sickening and it made him want to vomit the nothingness that was in the pit of his stomach. "You broke it."

"I know," Geoff spoke again, just as quiet, if not quieter. He hated himself more in that moment than any other time he had in his life. How could he do this to Awsten? How could he betray his best friend, his lover, his soulmate? The one who he's supposed to be with until death do them part? 

"Awsten, I think it's time we go home," Otto said, breaking the silence that had laid upon them once more. Awsten shook his head. He wasn't finished.

"You've painted your future but I'm just not in the picture," Awsten said, looking at Geoff once more. He felt tears slide down his cheeks, knowing he's going to break at any given moment. "Maybe I missed the frame, maybe I'm just seconds late. Always late."

Geoff looked up at Awsten, knowing he's heard those words before, recognizing it from the day that he took Awsten to the diner. A demo. 

"Cause I fall in love with everything that wants nothing to do with me and, and you, you promised me, Geoff, you promised," Awsten said quickly, the lump in his throat growing with every word he spoke. It was beginning to become painful to talk; it was painful to hold back his tears and his emotions and he just wanted comfort and to sob and let it all out. But he couldn't do that right now, he wouldn't do that right now. "I, I know t-there's no dealing with the way I'm f-feeling a-and I'm so out of touch with everyone and e-everything a-a-and-"

"Awsie-" Geoff spoke, stepping closer. 

"Stop right there, don't come any closer!" Awsten snapped, leading to Geoff backing away very quickly. "Don't think you can just fool around with her and get to call me Awsie straight after! Fuck you, Geoff, and fuck her too!"

"Okay, it's time to go," Otto said, removing Awsten from the situation. Geoff stood in his room, dumbfounded, and not daring to make a move. He wasn't sure how he was going to fix their relationship this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry that this is like,,, not on par with the rest of this book??? but i was having trouble wording this chapter correctly so i'm going to probably rewrite this in the future. also i meant to update yesterday, my bad, so, uh, merry boxing day? unless it's still somehow christmas for you, merry christmas???  
> -x-  
> even after editing this chapter i still hate it


	10. CONFLICTED LOOKS GOOD ON ME, I'M TRYING DESPERATELY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED

JULY 4TH

It'd been two days and Awsten had done nothing except doing exactly what he wanted: that was to lay in his bed, listen to "Worst" on repeat, and do absolutely nothing. He wrote a couple songs and voice memoed them, not having the energy to get up and properly record anything on his laptop.

Otto tried to get something out of the boy, even if it was just a "good morning,” but, to his dismay, he got nothing. Since it was a holiday, he thought he'd badger Awsten into at least going to see fireworks with him.

"C'mon, Aws!" Otto begged for what felt like the umpteenth time to Awsten, who rolled himself over and shoved a pillow over his head, groaning loudly and ignoring him.

"Fuck off, Poodle Boy," Awsten grumbled, moving to turn his music up louder but Otto had ripped the phone and headphones away from him. "What the fuck, Otto?!"

"I'm not a poodle," Otto said sternly. "And you've been laying here for forever, it's not healthy, you're coming with me to see fireworks whether you want to or not."

"Yeah, the last time you tried to help me with my mental health you brought me to a real-life PornHub video starring Geoff Wigington and Chloe Kristenson!" Awsten snapped, snatching his phone back from Otto. "Now leave me alone, I'm clearly not worth shit."

"Don't say that about yourself," Otto frowned. "Geoff's the idiot."

"Yeah, but I'm the idiot who fell for him," Awsten retorted.

"Awsten, he's your soulmate," Otto said, looking at Awsten sadly. "He's just... Having trouble figuring that out."

"Is he, though? I mean, I guess I could see it, he's who I could see myself screaming out those angry words to, but... With what's on my arm... Otto, I don't... I don't know," Awsten said quietly. He was sad, staring at the words that lay upon his wrist since his birth, running the tips of his fingers over them. “Maybe I shouldn’t have ever said anything to him at the media event. I could’ve avoided all of this drama and all of this heartache. I could live not knowing he was my soulmate! Sure, maybe I’d kick myself for it but if I had known this would be the outcome of that, maybe I wouldn’t be kicking myself at all. Could you imagine Grace saying that kind of thing to you? I mean, just... To say that she could be fine without you... That you didn't mean anything, you're just a blob in his life, something that just exists in time and space. But that's it... That you're not special."

"Maybe you two have a bad argument when it happens and he says something he doesn't mean?" Otto suggests, shrugging. "And you get all passive-aggressive and decide you're not going to talk to him anymore and then that'll be the last words you hear."

"Yeah, but you'd stop that from happening," Awsten said, dismissing the thought.

"Fair point," he replied. “Unless something major happens and I’m not around, but even then, I’d make time for you. I’ll always be around, Aws."

"Maybe something drastic happens and I fucking lose it and kill myself," Awsten laughed dryly, pondering the future. Otto's eyes widen and he cut Awsten off from continuing his thoughts.

"Awsten Constantine Knight, you're not killing yourself!" Otto shouted, taken aback by the response. "I wouldn't dare let that happen either and you know that. Don’t you even dare joke about it, I swear to God, I will never let you do that ever again. Ever."

"I mean, yeah, you're right," the natural blue said, shrugging. "Geoff and... and him are starting to have things in common... And I... I don't know. I'm overthinking this, I know, but... I mean, Otto, I love him, but is this what I want?"

"What do you mean?" Otto asked. “And I think you may be over thinking it a little. Geoff isn’t acting at all like Zakk. I don’t mean to pull up bad memories, but you have to really think about what you’re saying. Do you really think that Geoff is causing the same pain that Zakk caused you? Personally, I don’t think he is. He’s not… hitting you and he’s… he’s not… touching you, right?"

“No, he’s not… doing that to me, but I don't wanna be so... conflicted and stressed all the time, but I can't just... pull myself away from him, Otto, I can't. I love him so much and I just... I want him all to myself this time, I don't want fucking Chloe, I, I just... Conflicted doesn't look good on me, Otto," Awsten explained, sitting up on his bed.

"Conflicted doesn't look good on anybody," Otto said.

"I'm just trying so desperately. I wish-" Awsten began, pausing once he heard a sniffle.

Awsten looked over at Otto, who was sat in the desk chair, leaning against the chair's back, playing with a Rubix cube. Awsten's laptop was open, facing away from him, and he attempted to look over at the screen but Otto quickly moved the laptop away from Awsten's view. The natural blue furrowed his eyebrows at the curly-haired boy, wondering what was so secretive on his laptop that he couldn't see. Then he heard it.

Otto was skyping Geoff through Awsten's computer.

"Otto, what the fuck?!" Awsten yelled, standing up from the bed quickly. He zoomed over to Otto, staring the laptop that confirmed his suspicions.

"He needed to hear what you were feeling and it's not like you were going to talk to him!" Otto said defensively, standing up from the desk chair, blocking Awsten from accessing his laptop. “I’m sorry for invading your privacy and completely violating your trust, Awsten, but there was no other good way to do this. Communication is important and god forbid either of you have it."

"I want to tell you how I feel, too," Geoff said from the computer, his voice scratchy and weak. It sounded as if he had been sobbing for hours on hours, and with how blotchy and red his face was and the way his lips quivered as he spoke, it seemed to prove itself true.

Awsten crossed his arms, scowling at Geoff, though trying to fight back tears of his own at the same time. He wanted to be angry at Geoff, but he knew better than to be passive-aggressive and ignore his problems. He decided he was going to be an adult about this, especially since he had technically been an adult for six years now. However, he also decided that to "reward" himself for doing the right thing, he was going to be as blunt and whiny as he wanted to be.

"Why?" the natural blue asked Geoff, knowing he had no need to expand the question. Geoff knew what he was asking about and he'll be damned if he doesn't. Though Geoff wasn't physically in the room, Otto could feel the thick tension between the two boys, and he was beginning to get mildly uncomfortable. He was tempted to text Grace to see if she could diffuse the situation but soon remembered that she was close friends with Chloe and that that would most definitely not end well. He didn't want to make his baby girl choose sides.

"I don't know," Geoff answered after what felt like an eternity of discomforting silence. Awsten fumed at the response.

"You don't know? You don't know?!" Awsten said, his voice rising in volume the more he continued to repeat the infuriating words. "How do you not fucking know?! You're the one who made the choices, you're the one who was half-naked in bed with her, you're the one who didn't even at least break up with me first!! You said you wouldn't do what Zakk did, Geoff, and now you're fucking with my emotions, you're fucking with my head, you rip me to shreds! I didn't ask for this head rush but it follows me anyways and you're just- You're making it worse!! You hurt me, Geoff, what you did is wrong. I don't care what she said, you cheated. I don’t care what you think either. I don’t care if we’re technically not dating, you still confessed your feelings for me and I feel hurt by the fact that you’d go and do this to me. You’re doing what you promised you wouldn't and I'm feeling so conflicted because, god, I fucking love you, Geoff, but I, I can't do this if you're, if you're going to do what you said you wouldn't. You broke a promise, a really important promise, and, just, I'm becoming what I hated and your talk is so inviting, but you're just, you're just hiding her from me and there's gotta be a reason and I know you're cheating, Geoff, don't even deny it. You made that choice! How do you not know why?! I'm trying so desperately, Geoff, I'm dying to be your everything and all you seem to want is her."

The room was filled with silence, with the exception of Awsten's heavy breathing, trying to calm himself from continuing on with his angry tirade. He wanted to keep yelling, to keep ranting, to keep screaming at Geoff and letting out all of his true feelings.

"Don't be like him, Geoff," Awsten spoke softly, a wave of feeling extremely vulnerable crashing over him. The sadness within him was beginning to overpower the anger in him, and he thought to himself that it was probably because he had been angry for so long, he was emotionally exhausted. He didn't doubt the thought and agreed with himself. He was drained.

"I don't want to be like him," Geoff said quietly. "I never want to hurt you, never like he did, Aws."

"Don't call me that," Awsten snapped. "You lost your privileges to call me nicknames. Don't fucking call me anything but my name."

"I-I'm sorry," Geoff stammered, taken aback by Awsten's sudden anger. He almost asked if he had been taking his pills, but he knew that Otto had been keeping an eye on him and he trusted Otto with Awsten’s life. "I just, I don't- You were so... so, broken... after him. I don't... I don't want to hurt you like that, I don't want anyone to hurt you like that."

"Then don't," Awsten said, the anger quickly fading away once more.

"I'm so sorry, Awsten," Geoff said quietly, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"I just, I just don't want to hurt anymore, Geoff," the natural blue said, tears running silently down his cheeks.

"I won't ever hurt you again," Geoff responded quickly, looking up through the computer screen. "Just, please, Awsten."

"One thing," Awsten said sternly. "No more Chloe. Not when you're alone. Please."

"Okay," Geoff nodded. "No more being alone with Chloe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is short. we're over halfway to the end of the book, yay! or not yay! depends how you look at it.  
> -x-  
> even after editing i'm still not the biggest fan of this chapter


	11. I WANNA LIVE INSIDE YOUR MIND NEXT TO YOUR FAVORITE SONGS

**AUGUST 7TH**

Classes were going to begin soon. Awsten had come to the decision that he was indeed going to drop out, therefore he had to move out of his dorm with Otto and into his own place. Geoff tried to convince him to move into his house, saying that his father was okay with it, but Awsten had denied. Not only did he feel uncomfortable sharing a home with Geoff's dad (he couldn't even remember his name!), but he was scared of what could happen if Chloe ever butted her way back. He trusted Geoff - somewhat - but he most certainly didn't trust Chloe. 

He was moving into his apartment today, thanks to Grace, who said her older brother was the landlord and would let Awsten have cheaper rent until he was able to get onto his own feet. Awsten didn't have much, especially since most of his things were at his parent's house back in San Antonio, therefore moving would be easy for him. That is until Geoff's father decided that Awsten was in dire need of more furniture than just his mattress and computer desk (that Otto let him have). And that is how Awsten ended up with a coffee table, dining room table, a decent sized HDTV, and full-sized bed frame from Ikea. 

Awsten had been wary of letting Chloe help him move out of the dorm and into his apartment, especially since Geoff was helping him move as well, but he couldn't argue with Grace. He knew that Grace knew - Otto told her - about the issues that had happened between him, her and Geoff. Grace promised him that she'd make sure that Chloe didn't interfere with Geoff and Awsten, but the natural blue wasn't sure how she was going to do that when they all had to work together to carry some of the heavy furniture that Geoff's dad had bought. 

"I think that's it, of the furniture at least," Otto said once he and Geoff had put down the coffee table in Awsten's living room. 

"No, Auto, there's some more in Geoff's truck," Geoffery said, shaking his head. Otto rolled his eyes, knowing that "Auto" was as close as Geoff's dad was going to get with remembering his name. 

"How much more?" Awsten asked. Geoffery shrugged.

"A few light-weight things," he answered. "I believe there are some organizers, a bookcase, and a nightstand."

"Geez, Dad, how much did you buy Awsten?" Geoff groaned. Geoffery chuckled. 

"Not enough," Geoffery laughed. Geoff rolled his eyes but cracked a smile. He was glad that his dad was okay with him being bisexual and that his dad loved Awsten. Geoffery had joked that Geoff should move in with Awsten while they're at it, but Grace's brother put an end to that quickly. Awsten was glad of that, for he was unsure of how he was going to tell Geoffery that now was not the right time for Geoff and him to live together. 

"Well, come on, let's go get it!" Grace said, motioning Otto, Geoffery, Chloe, Ciara, Jawn and Steve out the door. Kellin and Justin were supposed to come help Awsten move originally, but they had emergency last-minute plans. Awsten wasn't sure what, but he didn't mind. He had more than enough people helping him move the minuscule amount of things he had. 

"Thanks," Awsten said quietly, turning towards Geoff. Geoff furrowed his eyebrows, walking towards Awsten, pulling him into an embrace.

"For what, Aws?" Geoff asked as Awsten returned the hug, resting his head on Geoff's shoulder. 

"For helping me move," Awsten answered. "I know you didn't want me to drop out, and, I, I never want to disappoint you."

"You didn't disappoint me by dropping out," Geoff said. "I was a little sad, yes, but if this is what's right for you, then, by all means, do it. As long as you're happy and doing what's good for you, I'm happy and proud."

"I love you, Geoff," Awsten said quietly, feeling comforted as Geoff slowly swayed the two side-to-side. 

"I love you, too, Blueberry," Geoff replied, kissing the natural blue's forehead, smiling. 

The two stood there for a few moments before Grace and Otto had returned with a large box that had a picture of a chocolate-brown nightstand on the side. 

"I know y'all are, like, back together 'n shit, but you are the one that's moving, so you could help," Grace said, smirking at the two boys. Geoff laughed while Awsten rolled his eyes, heading out the door and down the stairs to help everyone get stuff out of Geoff's truck. 

"Thank you so much for driving my boyfriend away," Geoff said. He was about to head outside, following Awsten, before Grace stopped him.

"I did that for a reason," Grace said. "I want to say a few words to you."

"Are you going to scold me for what I did?" Geoff asked. "Because I've never regretted something so much in my life, Grace, and I feel horrible. I don't deserve him, I know, not after what I did."

"Well, I was going to scold you, yes, but you've probably heard the same thing a thousand times," Grace said. Otto stood beside her, nodding to confirm her suspicions.

"Trust me, he's heard an earful from both me and Awsten," Otto said. "I still don't approve them getting back together."

"Bae, shh," Grace said, shooing him. "I don't either, not yet anyway, but that's not the point!"

"Can we get to the point?" Geoff asked, furrowing his eyebrows. He was uncomfortable. 

"Yes," Grace nodded, looking over her shoulder to make sure none of the others had returned yet. She had asked Steve and Jawn to make sure Awsten didn't come back for at least five minutes so she could tell Geoff what she needed to. "Look, I'm beyond angry at you and Chloe. Especially Chloe, since I know she's the one who pressured you into it. And Awsten isn't my friend anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't care about him. I want to see him happy, and you make him happy, but I swear to god, Geoff, if you _ever_ hurt him like that again-"

"Okay, Grace, let's not bring violent threats into this!" Otto said quickly, cutting Grace off. Grace rolled her eyes and muttered out a quiet "fine."

"My point is, don't hurt him again. Don't go near Chloe and I'll make damn sure she doesn't go near you. You're on the thinnest fucking ice, Geoff, and I swear, if you break it, you're gonna fucking regret it. Even if I'm not here to make sure you get what you deserve, you will be punished," Grace finished. She glared at him before moving past him to go place the nightstand box in Awsten's bedroom. 

"I'm not going to make that mistake again," Geoff said, mostly to himself, though he knew that both Otto and Grace had heard him. 

"You better not make any mistakes this bad," Grace said from the other room. The conversation dropped and they were left in a silence. 

Moments later, Steve, Jawn, and Awsten had returned with boxes in their hands, mostly full of Awsten's clothes and such. Geoffery was behind them, carrying a second nightstand. 

"Thanks again, Mr Wigington," Awsten said, putting down the box. 

"No, no, Boston, no need to thank me!" Geoffery said, smiling widely. "You're my son's boyfriend and I love ya to death, kiddo, so I'm gonna treat you like you're my own. Can't wait for you to be my son-in-law one day, kid!" 

"O-Oh, uh, y-yeah," Awsten stammered. "I-It's, uh, it's Awsten."

"Right, my bad, Dawson!" Geoffery said.

"Awsten."

"Yes, Allston."

"Right," Awsten nodded, giving up on correcting Geoff's father. He was never going to get it right.

"Well, boys, I've got to get to work, so I'll be heading out now," Geoffery said, waving. "Love you, Geoffy! See you later, Bartow and Autumn!" 

"See you," Otto and Awsten said, waving goodbye to Geoff's dad. Once he left, Awsten and Otto turned to face Geoff.

"Is he ever going to get our names right?" Otto asked. Geoff shook his head.

"Never," he answered. "Ever since Mom died... He's been like that. The only names he remembers that aren't his own are Mom's and mine."

"Your mom died?" Grace asked.

"Yeah, but it was a long time ago," Geoff said, shrugging. 

"My mom's not doing so well," Grace said. "How do you cope with it?"

"I didn't really understand what was going on because I was young," he answered. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright," she responded. 

"Babe, you always have me if you need me, okay?" Otto said quietly to Grace, rubbing her back comfortingly. She nodded, wrapping her arms around his torso. He smiled. "You have big sparkling eyes."

"We have the biggest sparkling eyes," the two said.

Awsten looked over at Otto, alarmed, as did Geoff, recalling that Otto had said that the last words he'll hear from Grace, the words on his wrist. Both of their wrists. Otto had said they shared the same last words, the words on their wrists, they're going to die.

"No, no no no no no, nonononono," Awsten began to mutter, panic rising in his chest. He was going to lose Otto or he was going to lose Grace or he was going to lose them both and he couldn't handle that. "Fuck, no no no!"

Awsten ran out of the living room and quickly into his bedroom, breathing heavily. He sat down in the corner of the room, bringing his knees to his chest. 

Both Geoff and Otto quickly followed the natural blue, heading towards him slowly.

"Aws, honey? Are you alright?" Geoff asked him. He shook his head.

"N-No, you- you, you and Grace..." Awsten stammered, looking over at Otto, unable to catch his breath. 

"What about Grace and I?" Otto asked him, sitting down next to him. He shook his head quickly, the thoughts racing through his mind quickly.

"No, no no no, Otto... Can't- C-Can't lose, Grace, you, no no no," Awsten rambled quietly, rocking himself back and forth in an attempt to calm himself. "S-Soulmates... d-die."

"What?" Otto asked, confused. Awsten held up his wrist and pointed at the words.

"S-soulmates," he said once more, jabbing his finger into the tattooed words on his wrist. "Die."

"Soulmates die," Geoff repeated. Awsten nodded, grabbing his hand and lifting up his arm, pointing at his wrist. 

"Die," Awsten whimpered. Otto looked down at the words on his wrist, realizing why Awsten was panicking.

"Oh, oh no," Otto said quietly. "Grace... Grace is... Going to die..."

"I can't lose either of you," Awsten cried. "I can't, I, I can't, I can't!" 

"I- Oh, god, Awsten, oh my god," Otto said, his eyes widening in fear. Otto stood up and quickly ran back out to the living room, scanning for Grace, to only find Steve and Jawn standing in confusion. 

Awsten and Geoff followed Otto out, hoping to see her face, but to their dismay - and Otto's - she was nowhere to be found. 

"Where is she?" Otto asked. "Where is Grace?!" 

"She said she was going to work. She said she was going to be late," Jawn said, looking over at Steve, silently asking him why Awsten, Geoff and Grace looked so worried. 

"What?!" Geoff exclaimed. "Why'd you let her leave?!"

"What are you talking about, Geoff, why wouldn't we let her leave?" Steve asked, furrowing his eyebrows. 

"She said the words," Otto said quietly, looking down at the ground, tears welling in his eyes. 

"The words?" Jawn asked, looking at Steve, who shrugged in response. 

"The last words," Geoff said. "She said the words on Otto's wrist."

Jawn and Steve looked over at each other, their eyes widening in fear. 

"Hook up the T.V.," Otto demanded. "Now."

Jawn and Steve nodded, quickly getting the T.V. set up. Geoff grabbed the remote off of the table and turned on the news channel, sitting next to Awsten on the couch. Geoff pulled the natural blue into his arms, trying to calm him down, as he was having trouble breathing. 

The boys stared at the T.V. in suspense, waiting for the commercials to end and for the news to return, hoping that it was all nothing, that Grace wasn't going to die and that this wasn't the end. 

"Welcome back to ABC13, your daily news for the Southeast Texas area!" the news anchor greeted.

"Fucking get on with it!" Otto shouted at the T.V. angrily, clenching his fists and grinding his teeth. Steve stepped over towards him, placing his hand on Otto's shoulder.

"Calm down, please," Steve said quietly. Otto took a deep breath, nodding. 

"In recent news, Hurricane Harvey seems to have changed paths once more! Stay tuned for more information on ABC13 at six. Now, onto the traffic! Billy, take it away!" the news anchor said. 

"There is some heavy rush-hour traffic on U.S. Route 59 and a bad accident on U.S. Route 90," Billy said. "There have been no reported fatalities, though there has been a report of potentially fatal injuries to both of the drivers. Traffic should clear up within the next hour. Back to you, Bob!"

"Thanks, Billy-"

Otto took the remove from Geoff's hand and turned the T.V. off, dropping the remote onto the ground and staring absentmindedly at nothing in particular. The room was uncomfortingly quiet. 

"I need to go," Otto said quickly before quickly exiting Awsten's apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry.


	12. I WANNA GIVE YOU SPACE BUT THE AMOUNT BETWEEN US IS WRECKING ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait, i wasn't happy with how this chapter originally was written so i needed to do some heavy editing.

**SEPTEMBER 24TH**

Otto had seemingly moved out of his dorm room, for he spent a majority of his time in the hospital, staying by Grace's side. The doctors had told Otto that she had been injured badly and was currently in comatose and that she was not likely to wake up anytime soon.

Awsten had stayed in his apartment, not venturing out his bedroom unless it was to the kitchen. He was shaken, knowing that, yes, the words on one's wrist would be the last they'd hear from their soulmate, and although Grace wasn't necessarily one of his friends ever since their messy breakup, it felt too real. He didn't want it to be real, for the words on his wrist to truly be the last words he hears from someone who's supposed to be by his side until he dies. He didn't want to know, even though deep down he felt that he could love no other more than he loved Geoff.

Geoff was worried to death about the two boys, constantly visiting both, trying to help them cope in a healthier way. He was not very successful. However, he had managed to drag Awsten out his apartment to visit Otto and Grace.

"How is she doing?" Geoff asked Otto. He shrugged solemnly.

"She's stable but... They said she's not going to wake up. Not soon, anyway," Otto answered. "I guess I should've expected that seeing we said the last words we'd hear from each other. And if... If it's true, then, she's gone. She's gone, Geoff."

"This is all too real," Awsten said quietly, fidgeting. He couldn't stay still, the anxiety trending throughout his body. He began pacing, walking in small circles quickly throughout the room. "This is too real, this isn't real, this can't be real."

"I don't want it to be real, either," Otto mumbled. Geoff quickly went to Awsten, pulling him into an embrace as he began sobbing into his chest.

"I- I knew t-that the soulmates' thing was t-true and not a m-myth or anything b-but I- I didn't- I, I didn't think it'd happen so s-soon," Awsten cried, hiccuping slightly as he spoke.

"I know, I know it's scary," Geoff said quietly, rubbing the natural blue's back comfortingly. Otto had sat in the chair, unphased. This happened every time Geoff brought Awsten to visit Grace. He couldn't handle it. He wanted to think he could; he wanted to face his fears. But he couldn't. He couldn't handle it.

"I- I hate that you just... you j-just don't know who's really meant to be yours until it's too late," Awsten mumbled, trying to catch his breath. "I hate even more that.. that these words on my wrist are just so... b-bad, y'know? I- I- I don't want to you to be the one to say those things to m-me but at the s-same time that's me w-wishing you're not my soulmate."

"It's okay, Aws," Geoff said softly. 

Awsten shook his head, pushing Geoff away. Geoff furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, letting Awsten walk out of the room quickly. 

"I'm going to check on him," Otto said, standing up from the chair he had been in for at least the last twelve hours, popping his back as he stretched, "since you don't seem like you're going to."

"Maybe he needs space, Otto," Geoff snapped angrily. "Or maybe I was going to."

"Whatever," Otto muttered. "You go then."

"Someone's got to take care of their dying girlfriend, right?" Geoff mumbled. Otto stared at the brunette in horror.

"Excuse me?" he said. "What the fuck did you just say?"

"Nothing," Geoff said quickly, heading out to the door, pausing before it. "I'm sorry."

"Get out, Wigington," Otto said, venom dripping with his words. He was angry. "Now."

Geoff huffed as he walked out of the room, leaving Otto to grieve by himself. The brunette wandered down the hall, looking for any sign of the heterchromic blueberry, but to no avail. He continued into the lobby, seeing Awsten sitting on the curb through the window. He sighed. 

"Awsten?" Geoff called, heading through the door and plopping down next to the boy. "C'mon, you gotta get out of your own head."

"I'm trying," Awsten muttered, continuing his staring contest with the pavement beneath his feet, head in his hands. "I just, I can't Geoff."

"Distract youself," Geoff suggested. "Or just, close your eyes and calm yourself, I guess."

"You know, for once being helpful, you're really not doing much," Awsten said. 

"What are you talking about?" Geoff asked, taken aback by Awsten's sudden mood change. He pondered the thought of Awsten not taking his medication again but he had to have been, right? Otto was making sure he was... But Otto had also been so wrapped up with Grace for the last few weeks, which would've given Awsten the chance to sneak past Otto and spit out his pills behind his back. Geoff remembered he hadn't been doing his part in keeping Awsten in line either. He sighed, realizing that Awsten's pills had their effects had completely left his system by now and he was back in an erratic state. "You haven't been taking your medication, have you?"

"I have been, Geoff," Awsten replied, frowning in a calmer state. He brings up his head and moves his gaze out to the street, watching the cars that pass by. "But that's not the point. You just, you used to actually put effort into calming me down, you... You used to put effort into us. And now it's just... it's like you're just putting up with me and- and not even wanting to be here. It's like you don't even care and I'm trying to give you space, I'm trying to back off and not be such a nusiance but I just... Geoff, do you even care? Does this even matter to you? It honestly feels like I could go home tonight and overdose and kill myself and it wouldn't even matter to you. It feels like it wouldn't matter to Otto. It feels like it wouldn't matter to Kellin or Jawn or Zakk or Steve or anyone. It wouldn't matter to any of our friends, close or not. It feels like it wouldn't matter to my parents, it's like nobody cares. Nobody would care. Nothing matters, what's even the point?"

"I'm offended you think I wouldn't care if you killed yourself," Geoff scoffed. 

"Then stop treating me like that!" Awsten snapped, his heterochromic eyes boring into Geoff's. He was on the verge of tears and he swore to himself he wouldn't cry in front of Geoff, not now, not ever again. He didn't want to trust Geoff anymore, but at the same time he so badly did. He wanted his old relationship back. Before Chloe. Before the cheating. Before the miscommunication and the lies and the whatever else went wrong. He hated himself and he felt so depressed, tied in gift wrap. He was seconds from bottles because his seconds felt awful, but he couldn't. He couldn't because if he tried, he'd ruin his streak of not touching alcohol for so many years and he'd even hate himself even more, if it was even possible. 

"Treating you like what, Awsten? I've been trying to fix our relationship-"

"What the hell do you mean?" Awsten said angrily, cutting Geoff off quickly. "You've been doing nothing but treating me like junk and blaming it all on me because you think I haven't been taking my pills when I have been! Here's a reality check: I'm allowed to have emotions! Am I angry right now? Yes, of course! But am I compulsively spending everyone's money? No. Am I speaking erraticly? No. Am I being impulsive? No! I'm not in an episode, Geoff, I'm stable! Stop treating me like I'm the one that's at fault for all the problems in our relationship because you're not fucking perfect! Take fucking responsibility for once, asshole, or just leave me alone."

"I'm not blaming you for anything!" Geoff responded, miffed. "You're just so hard to deal with sometimes with how erratic and passive aggressive you are! You're shutting me out again and that hurts. I want you to trust me and you don't and without trust we're nothing."

"Is that how you feel?" Awsten asked, his voice cracking slightly. He felt a weight implant itself upon his chest and he felt as if he couldn't breathe. "Y-you, you think we're n-n-nothing?"

"Awsten, you know that's not what I meant," Geoff signed, running a hand through his hair. 

"No," Awsten shook his head, burying it in his hands. "N-no, you meant that."

"Awsten-"

"No! Fuck you, Geoff! I'm accustomed to feel like nothing and I wish you didn't tell me I was special because I'm not and you're just sticking around so I don't kill myself so you don't feel fucking guilty," Awsten shouted, standing up. 

"Stop," Geoff said, grabbing onto Awsten's hand as he tried to walk away. "Please. I care about you and I hate to see you like this, it's just hard to say things because it's like no matter what I do, it's never good enough for you! It's always too little or too much and I never get it right and it's like you're always mad at me and I can't do a thing about it."

"I don't wanna be your crybaby," Awsten mumbled, yanking his wrist out of Geoff's grip. He began to storm off once more. 

"I want to help you," Geoff begged, following behind Awsten quickly.

"Your mess in my chest has me stressed and depressed," Awsten said, ending the conversation and running away.


	13. I'M SECONDS FROM BOTTLES WHEN THESE SECONDS FEEL AWFUL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> real quick thing: please don't read this if you're squeamish or easily upset by dark themes. this entire chapter is awsten having a complete and total mental breakdown.

**OCTOBER 28TH**

Awsten had ruined his four-year streak of not touching alcohol. He was drunk and a mess and crying in his bathtub hugging a bottle of whiskey to his chest. He had drunk dialed Geoff ten minutes prior to his bathtub-sob-session but the boy didn't answer, which caused the blueberry to throw his phone across the room in anger.

"Shit," he muttered to himself, realizing what he had done, hearing his ringtone go off once more. He fumbled over the bathtub ledge, swiping the (surprisingly) unbroken phone off of the ground.

The phone was now clutched in his hands, next to the whiskey, buzzing consistently as Geoff tried to call him back. The voice message that Awsten had left was making Geoff worry.

"H-hey, Geoffy, I-I-I I'm r-real- hiccup - sorry that I-I'm such a shitty boyfriend," Awsten said into the phone. "I'm r-real b-baaaaaaaaaad, hiccup, I'm the w-worst, hah, I-I suck and y-ya don't deserve m-m-m-meeeeeeeeeeeeee! I d-d-don't wanna - hiccup - be y-y-your c-cryba- hiccup- baby, b-but that's all I-I-I-I d-do! I-I I'm s-sorry Geoffyboooyyy! G-Go to C-Chloe, s-s-she'll be real g-good to ya i-if ya can keeeeeeeeeeeeep her, hah, hiccup. I h-hate myself and y-you should t-t-t-t-to!! B-b-byyy - hiccup - yyyeee!"

The phone continually buzzed as Awsten continued to ignore it. Five minutes had passed until it had stopped.

Geoff: awsten please, pick up

Geoff: you're worrying me

Geoff: babe??

Geoff: i'm not going anywhere, aws, i'm not leaving you

Geoff: just breathe

Geoff: it's okay if you dont wanna talk right now just please let me know youre okay

Awsten scrolled further down, his tears blurring his vision.

Geoff: awsten please

Geoff: you're scaring me so much

Geoff: i dont know what i'd do if you killed yourself

Geoff: please dont do this

Awsten hadn't even thought of killing himself, not since Zakk, but the idea continued to linger in his mind. He wasn't sure if he wanted to die but he felt so bad, the heavy weight on his chest, the way his brain mocked his heart and the way his heart was shattering... It all added up to an equation where the only answer that made sense was to kill himself.

"I can't do that to Geoff," Awsten whispered to himself, his grip tightening on his phone. He threw the bottle of whiskey at the bathroom door and watched as it shattered into pieces. He had calmed himself down from the shudders and complete uncontrollable crying but tears still welled in his eyes the more and more he got lost in his own mind.

"Geoff has his own problems," Awsten said to himself, rocking back and forth, his grip on his phone so tight the phone could snap in half at any moment. "Geoff isn't- he can't- he can't always- he's not Zakk. He's not Zakk. He has a life he can't he can't he's- he's not Zakk, Awsten, he's not Zakk, he's not- he won't- he can't. He's not Zakk. He's not Zakk. He has to have space. He's not Zakk. I have to give him space. I need i I I, I can't I- Awsten, stop, you need to g-give him space he- he can't always be there for you he's- he can't- but he'll leave- he's not Zakk, he's not Zakk, he's not Zakk! He's not Zakk, he'snotZakk, HE'S NOT ZAKK!"

Awsten rocked himself back and forth continually, arguing and reasoning with himself, telling himself that Geoff is not Zakk and Zakk is not Geoff and Zakk is gone. He is gone.

"Fuck," Awsten muttered, his hands shaking unsteadily and his breathing unstable. He carefully maneuvered his way out of the bathtub, stumbling to the counter and staring at his sullen face in the mirror. He stared at his eyes, the bags under them and the way they were puffy and red and it was painstakingly obvious that he'd been crying. He'd never been more happy to be alone, but at the same time, he'd never been so scared.

The longer that Awsten stared at himself, the more disappointed he grew. 

"Failure," Awsten spit at himself, scowling in the mirror. "You're a disgrace, you're an obstacle, a mistake, a fucking set-back! You promised yourself you wouldn't do this again, Awsten, you told yourself, you told me, you promised and look what you've done now! You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked! Are you proud? Are you proud that you fucking did this to yourself, Awsten?!" 

Awsten growled, hitting the palm of his hand in the mirror, causing it to crack. A few glass shards fell out, passing through his skin and clattering to the ground. He paused, looking at his arm, watching as the blood seeped through the gashes and trickle down the side of his wrist. 

"Fucking idiot," he scoffed under his breath, shaking his head slowly while his erratic breathing trembled. He laughed dryly as tears pushed their way through the barrier of his blinking eyes, unable to prevent himself from feeling. "Absolute, total fucking idiot." 

"You don't even deserve to feel like this," Awsten sneered, grabbing one of the fallen shards of glass, staring at his reflection and the way the light refracted his image. "You don't deserve to feel! You don't deserve to be upset, you don't deserve to be mad or angry when it's all your fault and you did this to yourself."

He wrapped his hand around the shard, tightening his fist around it. He gritted his teeth as the sharp corners dug into the palm of his hand, cutting up and tearing through the skin with ease. 

"Like taking a knife to butter," he laughed dryly, watching as the blood dripped from his hand. "Fuck, you don't even deserve to feel this pain. You don't deserve to feel happy or sad or mad or fucking anything!" 

The blue-haired boy grew angry almost instantly, throwing the shard out of his hand and slamming the bottle of whiskey onto the ground. He opened the door and stormed out of the bathroom, pausing in his tracks once he heard a knock on his front door. 

"Awsten?" Geoff called, knocking on the door once more. He grew worried more and more by the second, fearing that the boy was in danger. 

Awsten ignored Geoff's calls and continued pacing around the empty space in his bedroom. He couldn't face Geoff; he didn't want to face Geoff. Especially when Geoff was going through so many things and all Awsten could do was blame everything on him and Chloe. He didn't deserve to feel mad. He didn't deserve to feel sad. He felt he didn't even deserve to live, not what after he had caused Geoff to feel. The guilt that resided in his chest was weighing him down and it felt like it was taking everything from his mind but the thought of it. 

"Awsten, please, I know you're home!" Geoff said once more, knocking continuously. Geoff was worried about Awsten's neighbors calling the police on him for knocking so much and shouting so loudly but he couldn't stop. He wouldn't stop. He needed to know that Awsten was still alive and that he was okay. He hated that he felt so obligated to be by Awsten's side at every second in every minute, in every hour, in every day, but he couldn't let that get to him. Not right now, not when Awsten's in danger. If he's in danger. 

"Go away," Awsten croaked out, realizing how broken and vulnerable his voice made him sound. He wasn't either of those things. He didn't deserve to say that was broken and he didn't deserve to say that he was vulnerable. 

"Awsten, please, hon, unlock the door? For me?" Geoff asked softly, quieting down his voice. He didn't want to sound angry, even though he was fuming. How dare Awsten try to take his own life! Geoff didn't understand why Awsten couldn't see how much people cared about him and loved him, even if it wasn't the way that Awsten wanted it. No matter how much Awsten tried to explain it, though, Geoff could never grasp the concept and belittled Awsten for feeling that way. 

It was something that Zakk used to do. 

"Zakk..." Awsten mumbled, trailing off as his thought process was thrown off its original tracks. "Geoff is not Zakk, Zakk is not Geoff. Zakk is gone. He is gone."

"Awsten?" Geoff said quietly, tapping his knuckles softly against the door, hearing Awsten's muffled mantra. He didn't understand why Awsten was comparing him to Zakk. He wasn't like Zakk. He wouldn't do anything like Zakk did. He couldn't do anything that Zakk did. He didn't have the lack of heart to do such a thing, especially since he had been through his own fair share of bad relationships with tragic endings. Geoff didn't even know if what his past issues were should be allowed to be considered relationships, though. 

"Zakk, Zakk.... Zakk, no no no," Awsten trembled, running his fingers through his hair roughly, grabbing at the ends and tugging on them slightly. "Get out of my head, get out of my head, Zakk, get out of my head! Get out of my head, Zakk, get out! Get out, get out, get out! Get out! Zakk, get out! You're gone, you're gone, you'regone, Zakkisgone, Zakkisgone. Getout! Getoutgetoutgetoutgetout!!!!" 

Geoff grew more concerned, hearing Awsten's muffled screaming. He shook his head quickly, pushing out the negative thoughts that began to slowly fill his mind. He looked around in search of something he could use to pick the lock before remembering that Awsten had kept a spare key inside the potted plant next to his door. 

Fishing through the soil, Geoff finally found the key and quickly unlocked the door. He walked in swiftly and moved towards Awsten's bedroom, the words becoming louder and clearer. Awsten hadn't noticed when Geoff entered the room. 

"Awsten?" Geoff said quietly, grabbing the blue-haired boy's attention. 

"W-What? H-How'd you g-get in here?" Awsten stammered out. He had completely forgotten about the spare key. 

"That doesn't matter, Aws," Geoff said, dismissing the question. Awsten furrowed his eyebrows, wiping his eyes to clear the tears that blurred his vision. "I'm so worried about you."

"If you're s-so worried... t-then why don't you s-s-show it?" Awsten challenged. His breathing was erratic; his heart was racing. He felt like it would pop out of his chest at any given moment. It was like a heavy weight was on his chest and he couldn't shake the feeling. His hands were shaking and his lips were trembling, unable to articulate his sentences without a stutter. The world around him was spinning and he couldn't stop it. 

"What are you talking about?" Geoff asked. "I'm here, aren't I? I'm worried about you, Awsten, what do you mean 'why don't you show it?' I'm concerned and all you're doing is just pushing me away and, you know, someday I won't come back. You can't just keep expecting me to come back. You can't expect me to endure what you're putting me through."

"I-I- I- I'm s-sorry," Awsten quivered, subconsciously pulling on the hair tie around his wrist, hearing it snap against his skin.

"You think every fucking thing is about being against you, that you're always the target, you're always the victim. You can't believe for one second that maybe, just maybe, someone does actually fucking care about you! You're too stuck in your own head and you won't even take the medication that's supposed to fix that!" Geoff yelled, continuing his tangent. He was seeing red and nothing else; he was oblivious to the Awsten in front of him who was cowering and shutting down. "You can't just _manipulate_ someone like that!" 

Awsten's heart dropped, feeling the heat leave his body. He was cold and numb, thoughtless short of _manipulation_ circling through his mind. He tuned out everything else that Geoff had to say, though it wasn't purposeful. He couldn't shake the thought. 

_Manipulate._

_Maneuver._

_Exploit._

_Handle._

_**Control.** _


	14. I WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF THIS TIME

**NOVEMBER 19TH**

Geoff and Awsten hadn't spoken a word since the last time they saw each other. Geoff was wrapped up in an angry bubble, speaking to anyone and everyone that wasn't the blue-haired hetero-chromic boy. He wanted to show Awsten that he didn't need him, that his sun didn't revolve around him, that he wasn't the world to him. He had the desire to show Awsten that he was independent. He wasn’t everything. Geoff wouldn’t let himself get so wrapped up in someone else that he’d lose himself; he promised himself that he’d never put another person over himself again. Never.

Awsten had taken the opposite approach, cowering himself and isolating himself. Bad thoughts floated throughout his mind and he couldn’t keep them under control.

_"Kill yourself!"_

_"Get out of his life, you’re just making everything worse!"_

_"Remove yourself from the situation."_

_"Get rid of yourself before you destory someone else."_

_**"Die."** _

He couldn’t handle it; he didn’t know how to handle it. Everything was a blur to him and no one was aware of it. Awsten contemplated apologizing to Geoff but he didn’t know what for.

Geoff wanted to feel bad and he wanted to apologize to Awsten. He so desperately wanted to make things better between them but he wouldn’t let himself. He continually reminded himself that this is how things would be now and that this is how they were to stay. Awsten would come around and apologize eventually. Awsten would come and own up what he did. But Awsten didn’t.

It was a game of cat and mouse, a game to see who could push the other the most, a game to see who would break first. Jawn and Travis, being their closest mutuals that weren’t Otto, continually told them that they were being childish and needed to get over it. But they didn’t.

Geoff told Jawn the details but in complete bias to himself, whereas Awsten told Travis the story in the form of a mental breakdown but it was so vague Travis didn’t understand a thing and couldn’t help Awsten cope. Awsten wished Otto wasn’t so busy dealing with Grace and the hospital. He wanted his friend back. He needed his friend back. He wanted Geoff back and he wanted things to go back to the way that they were, before all of the mess that he refuses to believe he didn’t cause. But they didn’t.

Awsten was stuck in his own mind, pacing around his room. He couldn’t get himself to calm down and his heart is pounding and the whole world’s on his shoulders and there’s a weight on his chest and he can’t breathe. He’s clutching his jacket and he’s breathing like a heavy smoker who can’t catch a breath and he’s got tears slowly making their way down his cheeks. He’s trying so hard to keep composed because he knows that he can’t do this; he knows that he can’t be like this. He can’t keep doing this, he can’t be so distraught, he has to be composed so he doesn’t guilt trip Geoff for making him feel like this. _It’s not Geoff’s fault,_ Awsten reminds himself. _It’s your own._

Awsten’s shaking so hard, it’s like someone stepped outside during a snowstorm without a jacket. He’s stumbling in his steps and his vision is blurred. He’s shaking like a madman; he’s walking like a drunk; he’s seeing the world without glasses. His breathing is rough and unsteady and it’s like he’s just run miles without a break. He feels like he’s just run miles without a break.

He feels burnt out. He feels like the flame that was so big and bright was smothered and snuffed out. The glowing inferno flame was suffocated. It was suffocating. Awsten was suffering and Geoff didn’t have a care in the world.

Geoff wanted to care so badly but he was letting his stubborness get the best of him. He was letting his emotions cloud his decisions and his judgement. Deep down, he knew better, but he wouldn’t accept that.

Geoff was startled, feeling Jawn tap his shoulder. They had just finished a test in their English class and all he wanted to do was leave and go see Chloe and Ciara. He felt it had been such a long time since he’s seen them even though it had only been a few weeks. He’d met another friend through them as well and he was interested in getting to know him better.

"You spaced out," Jawn said quietly, holding up his hands in defence. "Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you."

"It’s fine," Geoff huffed, clearly annoyed. "What do you want?"

"Grumpy," Jawn muttered, rolling his eyes. "How’s that situation with you and Awsten? I tried talking to him about it but he’s all closed up and, like, he’s… He looks broken, dude."

"I don’t care," Geoff responded, voice hitched. "I… I don’t- I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. He can be as sad as he wants to be. I don’t care. It’s… It’s all for attention, he’s, he’s just doing it for attention. It’s not real it’s fake he’s really not sad he’s not sad he’s just manipulating me and I can’t have- I can’t let someone do that again."

"Geoff."

"Jawn."

"Look- I get you’re hurt," Jawn said, crossing his arms, glaring. "I really do. But you can’t let your emotions take over this time. At least check up on him, go to him, give him a chance to apologize since you’re so fucking adament on an apology."

"Look," Geoff began in a mocking tone, "Awsten does owe me an apology. Why? For fucking with my emotions and doing these things to, to… To make me stay, to… To do all these different things! He can’t just act a certain way and expect me to be there for him all the time. He can’t drag on the conversation the way he does just so I won’t leave. He can’t- He can’t go around moping the way he does and just expect me to drop everything to go ask him if he’s okay and then he- he doesn’t even answer me! He doesn’t tell me! He just, he just says that he’s fine or whatever and whatever! Fuck him, I don’t care! Don’t tell me what I should do, Jawn, because you don’t know."

The room was suddenly awkward; every student in the room was staring at Geoff, shocked by his outburst. Geoff had never had an outburst.

Jawn stared at him in awe, appalled by the words that he had just spoken to him.

Geoff stood up and walked out of the room, lost in his thoughts. He was conflicted, aruging between the Geoff that cared and the Geoff that wanted to nothing more than to see the world burn after Awsten’s betrayl. 

He continued down the hall, heading out of the building and out into the courtyard. He didn’t know where to go next. He wanted so badly to go home and dress up a bit more and head to the mall where Chloe’d asked him to meet up later that day, but at the same time, he knew he should go check on Awsten. For all he knew, he could be dead.

He walked around the courtyard aimlessly, waiting for his feet to take him wherever they chose. He wanted to walk to take his mind off things; he wanted to get the thoughts of Awsten out of his mind and the caring thoughts to leave him alone. He was adament and he would not give up. He would not back down.

He wandered off campus, not realizing the path that his feet were taking. Realizing where he was, Geoff stopped in his tracks and stared at the building in front of him: Awsten’s apartment.

"Shit," Geoff muttered under his breath. He wanted to turn around and leave, go home and go to the mall with Chloe like he had planned to. He wanted to go and help pick out clothes with Ciara at Forever 21; he wanted to go and ignore his problems by going to the bar that night with Kellin and Steve. He wanted to be anywhere but there.

Geoff walked into the building, heading up the stairs to the third floor and headed down the hall until he stood in front of Awsten’s door. He couldn’t pull himself to knock on the door but at the same time he couldn’t pull himself to walk away.

"Stand your ground," Geoff whispered to himself, grabbing the handle on the door and knocking loudly.

There was no answer.

He knocked again, longer and louder.

There was no answer.

Thoughts began to race through Geoff’s head, wondering all of the possiblities. Was Awsten dead? Did he kill himself? Or was he just playing with Geoff’s emotions? And this was just a ploy? Is this an elaborate plot to get Geoff to come back to Awsten? To get him to stay?

He took in a deep breath, knowing he should go into this situation with a calmer mind. He couldn’t be angry right now, no, he could be angry later. He needed to clear his mind and to get through this. He would have time to feel emotions later.

He swiftly grabbed the spare key from the potted plant outside his door and let himself in. He shut the door behind him, turning around to face the living room. He took a step forward before stopping in his tracks, staring at the paralyzing scene.

Awsten was in the corner, sat with his knees pulled up to his face, rocking back and forth. His cheeks were stained with tears and his lip quivered, threating for more. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was red. His once-vibrant blue hair was faded and completely gone, leaving him blonde.

"Oh my god," Geoff whispered. The spare key fell from his hands as he studied the natural blue, seeing the state he was in. Bruises were splattered across him in the way that an artist would flick paint onto a canvas. There scabbed over cuts on his hands, leaving Geoff to assume they had come from the broken glass bottles that were scattered around the room. His eyes scanned the living room and kitchen, seeing alcohol stains on the ground and seeing bottles upon bottles.

Awsten never drank.

He had never, _ever_ had a drink before in his life and now his apartment looked like one of an alcoholic. Awsten had broken down so bad that he touched one of the most vile things. He loathed alcohol and viewed it as one of the most disgusting things one could consume. Yet, here he was, surrounded by gallons of the poison. Swallowed.

Geoff took a step closer, watching his step to prevent himself from dicing his foot with the shattered glass. He stepped carefully towards Awsten. The blonde boy whimpered, continually rocking back and forth like he was in his own reality. He was so deep into his mind he didn’t see - nor realize - that Geoff was here and approaching him. He never wanted Geoff to see him get this bad. He never wanted to be thinking this loud.

Geoff placed his hand gently on Awsten’s shoulder, startling the blonde. He looked over at the brunette in alarm, flinching away from his touch. 

"W-What?" Awsten stammered, looking at Geoff with wide eyes. "W-What a-are you d-d-d-doing here?"

"I…" Geoff trailed off, unsure of why he really was here. His feet took him there subconsciously and he couldn’t figure out the real reason he was there. Was he showing up to stop his guilt? Was he really concerned and worried? 

"Y-You should g-go," Awsten said quickly, standing up and moving away from the confused brunette. He quickly paced back and forth in the living room, not flinching once as he stepped all along the glass, the shards digging into his heels. 

"W-What?" Geoff said, caught off-guard by the comment. He shook his head quickly, standing up. He rushed towards the blonde boy, gently gripping his arm, haulting his pacing. "Aws, please, you’re getting all the glass in your feet."

"N-No, please," Awsten said, shaking his head, taking his arm out of Geoff’s grip. "G-Go, this is a w-waste of your time."

"No, I came here for a reason," Geoff said. He grabbed Awsten’s arm once more, carefully leading him through the living room and sitting them both down on the couch.

“Well?” Awsten sniffed, wiping his tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. “W-Why? Why are y-you here?”

“I…” Geoff trailed off once more, attempting to gather his clustered thoughts. “I d-don’t know, uh, I-“

“This is a waste of time,” Awsten said, cutting Geoff off. He shook his head, standing up from the couch to continue his pacing. It was the only healthy way he knew how to calm himself down. 

“I don’t have to be here right now,” Geoff snapped, standing up and grabbing Awsten to stop his pacing. Geoff turned Awsten’s body, looking him in the eye. “I should be getting ready to go out with Chloe and Ciara right now and then head out to hang with Kellin at the bar but instead I chose to come here!”

“You were going to hang out with her,” Awsten stated, feeling his heart drop to his stomach. 

“And I’m not,” Geoff said. “Doesn’t that mean a fucking thing to you? That I’m putting you first? That I always put you first but that’s never fucking good enough? I can’t be there for you all the time, Awsten. Get over yourself!”

 _“Her,”_ Awsten repeated, Geoff’s words running over his head. His focus was set on the fact that Geoff openly said that he was going out with her. Chloe. The girl that Geoff promised he wasn’t cheating on Awsten with. The girl that he had no feelings for, that he wanted nothing to do with, no romantic interest. 

“How thick is your fucking head?!” Geoff shouted angrily, flailing his arms in frustration. “I love you, Awsten, but, fuck, I can’t keep doing this! I can’t have this in my life, Aws, I- I can’t keep doing this back and forth shit, I can’t… I can’t have you do that thing where you’re all playing off what’s wrong and beating around the bush because you don’t want to tell me. You can’t just bait me and you… You can’t just- Just because Zakk fucking hurt you doesn’t mean you get to hurt me.”

Awsten paused, staring at Geoff, tears welling in his eyes. 

“I’m n-not Zakk,” Awsten said quietly, his voice cracking. 

“Then stop acting like it,” Geoff hissed. 

“I’m not Zakk!” Awsten screamed, pushing Geoff backwards onto the couch, running away from the situation. 

Geoff was taken aback by Awsten’s sudden rage. He’s _never_ laid his hands on someone before.

_“I’m not Zakk."_


	15. THE SIZE OF MY BAD THOUGHTS BROKE DOWN MY DOOR

**a/n: it just occurred to me that i never actually uploaded the final chapter, heh, i'm sorry. please forgive me.**

**NOVEMBER 19TH**

Geoff looked around for Awsten, wondering where the once natural blue had gone. He wanders around the small apartment, trecking to the kitchen, through the dining room. He stood awkwardly in the middle of Awsten's living room. He grows anxious, subconsciously running his fingertips along the words permanently attached to his wrist. They ached slightly, and he knew that meant something was wrong, or that something was going to go wrong, but he wasn't sure what, why, or how. He chose not to acknowledge it, wondering if he was just being silly and that this wasn't anything new. They had another fight and it'd all be okay. Geoff would apologize like he always did and Awsten would be okay. He didn't want to but he had to. He had to, to make it okay. They'd be okay. They'd always be okay. Geoff wasn't even sure if Awsten was his soulmate, with what he had been feeling off-and-on for the last six to eight months. He hated what he had become, especially since he had promised the blue-haired man so many times that he wouldn't grow to be his ex. He hated himself, but he'd never let Awsten know.

"Awsten?" Geoff called out, pacing around the living room. He walked down the hallway, heading towards Awsten's bedroom. "Awsten?"

"Go away," Awsten hissed in response. "I'm sick of this feeling, I'm sick of the way you've got me wrapped around your fucking finger, how you confuse me and how I have to play a game of twenty-one questions to get an answer from you about the things you do behind my back! I hate this feeling of unease you give me when I'm around you and I fucking hate that it's accompanied by the feeling of admiration and love and comfort that I shouldn't be feeling!"

Awsten had so much more he wanted to say, but he thought that he had said enough already, knowing that he could make the situation much worse than what it already was. He loved Geoff and he never wanted to leave him, but the things that Geoff was doing to him... He knew it wasn't healthy. Geoff was wrecking him and he didn't even know it. How bad, Awsten wished, that he could just tell him. But Geoff wouldn't understand, Awsten thought, so he couldn't. He wouldn't.

"Awsten, please," Geoff begged, placing his hand softly on the doorknob, hoping it wasn't locked. "Please, Aws, I know I said some things I shouldn't have, we need to talk this out, please. I'm so sorry, Awsten, I'm so so sorry."

"I don't want to talk to you right now," Awsten said angrily as he curled himself into a ball. He sat in the corner of his room, the same one he had sat in when Grace and Otto shared their last words, the same one he had sat when Grace had died, the same one he had sat when everything went wrong. He wanted to be alone; he wanted to be lost in his thoughts. He wanted to be alone, but he was scared. He didn't know if he could trust himself; he didn't want to trust himself.

"Please, Awsten," Geoff begged once more.

"No! Just fucking leave me alone!" Awsten shouted shakily, fear lacing the words that spilt from his mouth. He couldn't be left alone; he shouldn't be left alone, not with the thoughts that wove his mind together. Not right now. But, yes, right now.

"You know what, Awsten?" Geoff started, anger fortifying his voice. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but what happens next? I guess we'll never know!"

"You'll never know until we're gone," Awsten hissed at the brunette, shaking from the anxiety that was slowly rising within him. 

"Awsten, I can't deal with you if you won't even bother to deal with youself," Geoff spat, fastened with anger and disappointment. "You can't just push me away when I'm trying to help you." 

Geoff turned the knob slowly and entered Awsten's room. He looked over at the natural blue and he wondered if he was more blue than yellow. He wasn't the optimist that everyone saw him as. 

Geoff was worried about Awsten, there's no doubt about that, yet he was so angry. He was fuming at what Awsten had said to him, though he knew in the back of his mind that it wasn't entirely Awsten's fault. Geoff didn't want to believe it. He had let his emotions consume him this time - something he hadn't let happen since high school - and he had had enough with Awsten's behavior. He was so angry that Awsten wasn't taking care of it and being self-aware. Geoff thought about how he shouldn't blame the entire problem on Awsten... but he didn't want to admit he was part of the issue. He didn't want to admit that there was more to the situation than Awsten's thought process. There were more factors - some that he caused. It was too much to handle. 

"I said to go away!" Awsten screamed at Geoff, who stood in the door frame, staring at him. Geoff didn't move, nor did he say anything. Neither did Awsten. 

Awsten felt awful about the situation. He hated that he was feeling so hot and cold and he felt like he was batshit crazy. He hated that Geoff was coming and going and everything was such a mess. Awsten felt a consistent deep blue. His chest hurt and he felt heavy; he had trouble breathing and he knew he was panicking. 

Rid yourself.

Die.

Get out of Geoff's life.

Don't ruin it any more than you already have.

The intrusive thoughts had set in. 

"Look, Awsten, I'm mad at you," Geoff began, "and you hurt me. That doesn't mean I don't care about you."

"Yeah, I hurt you," Awsten scoffed, "and you shouldn't. Why would you? If I'm so bad! Huh?!" He was trembling, his eyes were watering, his throat was tightening. He knew he was about to cry, to break out into heart-wrenching sobs. Awsten wouldn't let Geoff see that. Awsten didn't want to make Geoff feel any more pity for him than the little he already had. He felt bad enough as it is. Geoff was fuming with anger and yet he still had enough of a heart to carry empathy and worry towards him. 

"Awsten-"

"So keep out of my room because I think I've seen enough of you today!" Awsten burst out. He had tears rolling down his cheeks but he ignored them.

Geoff felt a pinch on his wrist but he ignored the feeling and left the room at Awsten's request. He closed the door softly yet swiftly and sat down, his back perched against it. 

"I can't help you if you don't want it," Geoff said quietly. "My sun still sets without you, like nothing ever happened."

Awsten felt a stinging sensation on his wrist. He looked down and instantly knew that Geoff was meant to be his, whether Geoff was ready to face the facts or not. But it was too late. Awsten broke into a silent sob, knowing that his future no longer existed. His future was now. The present is all that he had left. There is nothing left.

Geoff heard Awsten's sobs but he did nothing about it. He kept telling himself that he needed to be strong, to let Awsten know that he couldn't keep doing this to him. Geoff buried his face in his hands, his hair falling into his eyes. He felt so terrible to make Awsten feel that way but he thought it would be for the best. He hated that he wanted to say sorry even though it wasn't his fault. 

Awsten stumbled into the bathroom that was connected to his room. He felt he had no other choice than to go through with what fate had set up for him and Geoff. He felt like he couldn't have stopped it even if he wanted to. There was nothing left for him. Geoff left. Geoff was gone. There was nothing left for him. 

Awsten opened the medicine cabinet, grabbing his bipolar medication. He opened the bottle and poured the pills into his hands. He took a sharp breath.

Geoff opened his eyes after managing to calm himself close enough to his normal demeanor, the words on his wrist catching his eye. His wrist had been aching for the last few minutes and he couldn't understand why. He hadn't done anything to hurt it, it wasn't sprained, it wasn't twisted or cut or wounded. 

"So keep out of my room because I've seen enough of you today," Geoff read quietly, his fingertips grazing the blackened words. The wheels were turning in his head, albeit slowly. His eyes widened in fear as he realized what was wrong. 

It was like it was in slow motion. Geoff quickly stood up, opened the door and rushed into Awsten's bedroom to be granted by the sight of him gone. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Geoff yelled angrily. He clenched his fists and ran to the bathroom door. He banged on the door, jiggled the doorknob, fumbled for a key, and nearly bit a hole through his lip. 

"No, no, no, please, God, no," Geoff cried as he continued to fail to get the bathroom door open. "No, no, no, FUCK!"

Geoff cursed under his breath, continually repeating "no" and "fuck" in a string of multitudes of patterns. He battered his body into the door, hoping to knock it down, though to no avail. 

Moments later, he managed to find a key lodged in the corner of the top of the door frame. He quickly unlocked the door and burst into the bathroom, only to be frozen in a sensation of shock and fear. 

Awsten laid in the bathtub, unconscious, surrounded by a multitude of numerous different prescription medication bottles. Each had been prescribed to him at one time or another. Geoff didn't know how long Awsten had been off of his medication and he felt his heart drop out of his chest when it dawned on him how Awsten had stopped taking the medication and saved it. There was a reason. Geoff wondered if this was it. 

Geoff fell to his knees and felt his throat tighten. He bit his lip harshly in a weak attempt to stop the on-slot of shuddering sobs that would wreck his body. 

"No, no, no," Geoff cried, his fists clenching tighter. His knuckles were white from the lack of blood flow. "Awsten, you can't do this to me! No! No! No! Nonononono!!"

Geoff screamed in anguish. He stood up and impulsively swung at the wall, decking a sizable hole. 

"Fuck," Geoff hissed, shaking his now-bloody hand in an attempt to ease the pain. Geoff wondered if causing himself physical harm would stop the emotional pain from being such a burden. He couldn't handle it. He didn't want to handle it. Geoff had never thought about self-harm before but there was never another time in his life where he had felt so broken that it was the only idea that passed through his mind. 

Geoff clumsily sat back down on the ground, next to the bathtub, next to Awsten. He blinked back tears and bit back a sob. He couldn't process it. 

"How could I have been so stupid?!" Geoff seethed. "I had a dream about this, my wrist, everything! I should've seen this coming, I knew it was coming, I didn't do a thing and now you're fucking dead and you're gone and I can't get you back. You're gone, you're gone, it's all my fault, you're gone."

Geoff broke down into a heart-wrenching sob, sending a shudder down his whole body, leaving a tingle in his toes and a feeling of dread in his head. He grabbed Awsten's hand that hung over the ledge and laced his fingers with his own. 

"I love you," Geoff sobbed. "So much more than you'll ever know. Than you've ever known. You were my best friend, I'm so sorry. I love you."

Geoff turned Awsten's arm around and pressed his fingers to his wrist, feeling for a pulse, any sign of help. 

"No," Geoff breathed.

There was none.

Geoff drunkenly climbed into the bathtub, holding Awsten in his arms, and cried.


End file.
